Becoming the Patriarch

and when i write

2011-12-15T15:40:00.001-08:00

and when i write
i write for you
the you that has not heard
my words yet
the you that knows
the pain
inside and out
you who knows just how cruel
this world can be.

i write for you
the me who find strength
in the pain
the me the searches to
externalize it
the me the wraps myself up
in ropes and dangles
ropes bruising in my skin

the you who is the pain
the pain that has become
external

today i write for you
i live for you
i live to tell
our story.

Street (audio link)

2011-12-01T18:54:00.001-08:00

http://vimeo.com/33006597

it is going to take about 30 mins for vimeo to upload this one. check back if it doesn't work right away.

Street (text version)

2011-12-01T18:46:00.001-08:00

The streets, always were, and always will be my home.

No matter how far I roam.

Latchkey kid learned about life the hard way.

I fell down the steps of responsibility during my educationyah see.

There I found people much worse off than me.

But we held each other’s hands and roamed on to a new land.

This is the only thing I have known.

THIS is the only thing I have known.

In your privilege you look at me trying to fit into yourstereotypes, I cannot be free. Then you laugh when I call myself street?!?!?

But I am 100 times more street than you will ever be.

I know I can survive anything because I have.

I have already survived stories that will give younightmares/night terrors.

But tomorrow is another day and you and me will sit next toeach other maintaining the illusion that we are equal.

We both know that we are not.

We both know how much more status, privilege you have so letus not pretend that we can be friends.

Lets’ not pretend that we think we are equal to each other.

We are not and probably will never be.

I will always be power with.

You will always be power to… dolling out power to those whobeg for it.

I will not beg.

I will not bow.

I serve no one.

I am emancipated, free willed and rock solid.

I will stand here and be your punching bag,

just to show you how strong I am.

You attempt to destroy me day after day;

I will rebuild day after day.

I will rebuild my fortress, fortifying my walls with fuckingsparkling stars and hearts with rainbows shooting out there ass.

AND YOU WILL KNOW MY MOTHERFUCKING NAME!

It will run through your mind like a fucking memory.

It will wake you at night when you remember who you couldbe.

When you lie awake thinking about your loneliness, yoursorrow.

Your abandon with life and my face with my fucked up teeth,self-cut hair and 2^nd hand used clothes; I will be there with my biggnarly smile and my jolly laugh.

You will remember the smile lines around my eyes.

You will remember that I am you and you are me.

You will remember things aren’t always what they seem.

You will remember things can change it you can remember tobe free.

being in tune with your emotion as a means of conflict resolution

2011-11-15T17:43:00.001-08:00

Yes, I believe through being in tune with your emotions and the emotions of another person you are able to have instant empathy which is the way to do collaborative conflict resolution. Most conflict is seen as mine or yours. I see a lot of this as a sense of ownership (or as I was researching in the sexual trauma class, objectification.) Give the current situation the US has a sense of ownership/entitlement. What does entitlement feel like?

I met a woman at a conference once who said that she is learning to push into being uncomfortable. It took me a second to understand what she was talking about as I am always uncomfortable. She said that her privilege always for her to not have to deal with uncomfortable situations. She can just leave. So she makes herself be and feel uncomfortable. I thought this was amazing. I see a lot of what we are reading about is learning how to push into that uncomfortable space where conflict exists and actual go through the emotions WITH the other person. Find them in the mess of things and if they can find you too. Then both parties will want the other person's needs/wants/goals to be met. When we feel entitled to a person or resources we tend not be in touch with what their experience is. Vipassana meditation and Theravada Buddhism in general deals a lot with this idea of non-attachment. The way I understand it is that I am not attached to getting my way or to materialistic objects. I can also not be attached to owning a person's love, that's a hard one especially in our monogamous society. (For more information about this topic try: Against Love, Ethical Slut and Keep the River on the Right! )

In terms of mediation the difference comes in the fact that settlement means that some or both will win/lose. Not all needs will be met. There will not be an understanding if the conflict can or does get resolved will the underlying emotions. Probably not so those emotions will cause more conflicts in the future. So really what is the point of settlement other than as a last ditch effort. But even then usually the power differentiation causes the perpetuation of privilege. My understanding (as I wrote in my other post) is that the concept of settlement is very individualistic. Whereas vipassana is very mutualistic.

It is interesting to me that something which is so individualistic helps the person become more mutualistic. There is a certain sense of self involved. A sense of the amount of space you take up. A sense of how you affect other people. A sense of how you move through the world as opposed to relating to the world as how it serves you. This is mutualism or Libratory/oppositional consciousness. I believe it is the next step in evolution. Hopefully soon humans will have an consciousness revolution. One day at a time, one person at a time until the hundredth monkey.

Power is afraid of Bias

2011-11-15T17:40:00.001-08:00

My teacher said “Power is afraid of bias.” I told my co-worker he said how so. I replied bias comes from the heart, from emotion so it will always side on the side of social justice. She also said that once you become aware of that power you don’t want it anymore. Power hurts people. If you are aware of this unless you are really mean then you don’t want to own something that hurts other people. It is pretty simple when it comes down to it. Power is afraid of bias. Power needs to assert itself. How does that relate to ethics? I said in class that I believed it was unethical to consider settlement anything but a last ditch effort because in the settlement process people go away with hurt feelings that are unresolved and they carry that with them. I believe these cause more unresolvable conflicts. This is why we must look at mutualism. The ‘power within’ model. Collaboration. Meeting both peoples needs. This is why this concept of influence of morals is so important. The concept of cultural relativism. Smashed together with some naming of emotions and their impact of behavior and you get sustainable conflict resolution.

On the other side we have this idea of animistic individualism. The individual needs taken precedence over the community needs. My understand is that all the sustainable cultures of the world have been mutuatlistic based. Consensus decision making and collectivism as opposed to hierarchical feast and famine model. For everyone to benefit, instead of only some. This is not a new radical concept; this is a tribal concept that has existed longer than any other societal organizational structure.

Another key points I really enjoyed was this idea of the mediator holding the process. More like a facilitator role than a decision maker role.

just a warm body

2011-11-01T00:19:00.000-07:00

I want to feel the touch of another person on my skin.
I want to soak in their essence through heat osmosis.

I want to feel their heart beating next to my chest.
feel their breathe on my neck.

sometimes it seems as though maybe it doesn’t matter who.
Just want to lay next to someone and have this exchange
with nothing attached to it.

I just don’t want to be responsible for you.
I can’t even take care of myself
much less care for another person.

Maybe I am projecting but seriously
isn’t that why people have relationships.

I can be responsible for you like
your my bro and I got your back.

& yes I just went there
what yah gonna do bout it?

But I am not responsible for your happiness.

I am responsible for being a warm body.
beneath you
next to you
on top of you

Get your Freak on!

2011-10-16T19:49:00.001-07:00

He asked me to tell him why his fucked up body can be ok.
He asked me to tell him why his fucked up body can be ok.

As my own brain scream at my own failure...
As my own body pushes against it's edges.

I look upon a sweet face,
Learning how cruel the world can be.

I want him to know how more than ok he is.
I want him to know how more than ok I am.

I want him to know getting lost in a lover's embrace
To loose yourself in the moment and forget
to forget the body
the incongruency

I want him to know joys that can't be held back
Can't be held back by
By our internal mirrors

I want him to know
That he is beautiful.
Perfect
Lovable

Can I send him my heart?
Over the electronic waves
That connect east to west

Can I find him in dreamland?
Can we touch skin in the night
Through the dream waves
That connect east to west

Then will he know
Will he be able to access
That innate sexuality?
Then will this boy blossom?

What can I say that will help
Help
Him know he is sexy
Hot
Beautiful...

Then will words like freak
Fucked up
Normal
Will they loose there meaning?
Will they loose their collective meaning?
Can we forget them from our collective consciousness?
Can we make new words?
Different words?
Can we have different body parts?
Can they have different meanings?
Different uses?

Can we create our own language?
Vocabulary?
Redefine the awkward
The untrue words used to describe our bodies, our hearts, our minds.

Can we usurp the oppressive language used against?
The language used to define whether we are
Real...

Can I talk about my cock
his cock?
Can I talk about this fucking?
Can I give it new meaning,
Empowering meaning?
Sexy meaning?
Can I redefine freak?
Can we get freaky?

My Lover

2011-08-05T01:27:00.001-07:00

My lover is my bike
I ride hir long and hard and often
When I sit on hir, our cocks rub together as we
take bumps and glide around corners
we go everywhere together
going like there is no tomorrow
because there might not be

As we mesh together
becoming one
as the muscle
steel
rubber
and grease
strain together

The street becomes out bed
and our destination
our orgams

Except on the days we ride with no place to go
those days we push each other to see what we’ve got
how far we can go
and then when we are spent
exhausted
muscles
steel
rubber
wanting more
we lay at rest
Awaiting the next ride.

Puzzle

2011-08-05T01:25:00.003-07:00

You and Me
are the intersection where self street, self street and self street meet.

Tommorrow
is the wedding of forever and yesterday
their love child in the sunrise and sunset; moonrise and moonset; and stars that shoot and wishes from true hearts.

Lost in the space between you and me; me and you.

The constellation arise to tell us about the future that was yesterday.
It is all everything.
And today I make choices to walk away from people I love because they are toxic.
I choose love.
I choose my friends, they are and always will be my friends.
You might wager on a five but I wagered on a ten.
Not a moment did I doubt.
Conversations are simple and speak volumes about the world.

My body is a million puzzle pieces?
My identity is a choose your own adventure.
My sexuality is some assembly required.
My life is a fiction novel loosely based on reality.

You and me are an intersection.
crossing, merging, separating.
you are the sun; I am the horizon.
if you are the moon; I am the stars.

We:
we are a crossroad.
we are a sunset.
we are a constellation.

Who am I?

2011-08-05T01:25:00.001-07:00

Who am I?

Who?

rejection
Who?
damaged
Who?
shamed
Who?
invalidated
Who?
weakness
Who?
helpless
Who?
dismantled
Who?
invisible

Who is my body?
Who is my prison?
Who is my blood?
Who is my closet?
Who is my street?

dismantling, interrupting, validating, compassionate.

You are my lost self.
You are my honesty.
You are my cupcake.
You are my rediscovery.
You are my safe space.
You are my honor.

They, they are impersonal, absent, angry, confused, moral, disloyal.
They are crazy.

I am a voice, approved.
I am art.

perfect world

2011-08-05T01:24:00.000-07:00

In our houses we dwell,
earth friendly
Our friends
everyone we see
we dance
in the eve
Plates full
of community
Food- healthy
fresh fruit, vegetables, whole grains and beans
From soil
worked by hands
Under the sun
with all our love
Down by the stream
we make beats
as we grow the rice
and harvest the wheat
the children sleep
under a shady tree
Animals
roaming free
Clouds, air, water
no more toxicity
We have higher values now
listened to the wisdom of the fairies

You and me
and our boat by the sea
Sailed away to another place
to be free for you to be you and me to be me
Radical Honesty
free form neuroticity
high from all the beauty
And we kiss under the milkyway
Yes all the stars we can see
they have become guides
they have become legacy
they tell us our future
as well as our history
we use them to chart
our trajectory
backwards epiphany
lacklust struggles
enjoying the breeze

smooth, cherry, ice, like, lick, and slick.

2011-07-20T01:17:00.000-07:00

smooth: skin touch raw vivid

cherry: lick suck tempt fuck

ice: play hard tease light

like: slick grinding rampant love

skin: yours mine touch deep yet empty in the raw void between vivid dreams

lick: here light there suck hard where it tempts the desire to fuck

play: with find place inside my skin inside my hard shell to tease my light

slick: wet movements griding parts rampant needs desires lacks love

touch: is raw pain is vivid and everything is clear

suck: me off tempt my cock to want to fuck

hard: cocks tease throbbing rubbing pounding turning off the light

grinding: rampant love into the night

raw: is a vivid hangover

tempt:but I still want to fuck

tease: I’ve been called not so light-ly. I just want a little bite you see

rampant: homosexual love

vivid: I am verbalization of the possibilities yet spoken

fuck: why is the world so complicated, why can’t we just fuck

light: has been turned on. I am no longer in the dark. So tempted I should not be.

i sewed it shut

2011-07-07T23:48:00.001-07:00

you want my cunt?
well, i sewed it shut.
all that is left is an agry inch.
but don’t worry,
i have a toolbox
full of ways to get you off

I’ve got a big cock
to fuck your holes with.
we can get down so hot.

but this rhyme forgot
that my hole is what’s got
you hot.

Not my whole
whole person
whole being
whole self

that pesky cunt
that never wants to be touched.
that has seen more horrors than
any cunt should have to.

You want that cunt.
you want my cunt.
that’s what gets you hot.
not my big fat cock.
my hard pulsing cock.

You can’t tell me why you want me?
You can only speak of fetishizing.
You can only objectify.

I speak a language of learning.
of exploration.
I speak of dreams and growth.

I chose you.
you did not choose me.
you chose a mask to hide behind.
i gave you my everything.

It might have been broken into a million pieces
but I gave it to you with an apology,
'I am fixing it as fast as I can.'
I asked for your patience and love.
you gave me oppression.
and tonight when you dream of me.
remember I said yes.
remember I gave you everything.
remember that i accepted you
just how you were.
remember
you gave me nothing.

Spring is Coming!

2011-06-10T14:47:00.001-07:00

who am I said the he that was not me.
when the day ends who still finds you important.

When the birds fly high, who flies with you.
The fields were barren. the plants withered.
Yet still so beautiful.

Like the end of winter.
Spring is coming.
you can see the field full of flowers.

But right now everything is dead.
do you see the dead that is in front of your eyes
or the life that could be.

what waking dreams of who I am suppose to be
do you bind me to.
what images, labels, projections must I fend off.

What is my cost?

my sense of self.
my individuality.
my freedom.

too high. much too high.

I am not poor.
I am very wealthy.

I have a huge spirit.
I have pride.
I have courage.

strength.
love.
knowledge.

But why I should I give freely of these
and get nothing in return.
why should I allow myself
to be bought and sold for scraps.

you want champagne
on a beer budget.
your price is too low.

You won’t even attempt to up bid.
You say my value is too high.
I am asking too much.

But it is not my problem
if you don’t see
the value of the merchandise.

tomorrow it will rain.
and we will be
but separate. distant.

I don’t think you will call.
I don’t think I will hear from you again.
Two ships passing in the night.

Has the story already been written.
Again and again.
forever retold.

Eat my Glitter! aka Fucking!

2011-06-09T00:28:00.000-07:00

(Possible trigger warning as per usual with my work)

I am impeccable!
Eat my glitter!
pushing through shit
having conversations .
on the hows and whys
moving my mouth in relation
to the vowels and sighs.

and there was one
i was sad i didn’t get to
get to
experience
experience sex
sober.
i was sad i didn’t get to experience sex sober.

end story

start
the one who stole my heart
no I am not ready yet

start
my heart is a vessel.
a ship
sailing on its way to love
of everything.

I am the lone sailor.
I am the whisper
in a story book.
I am the story
you never truly had.

end story

Zhe had this huge cock zhe liked to be fucked with
and a harness.
It was difficult for me to think of my cock any smaller than that dick was.
but the size of my cock is of no consequence to the person receiving it when you get the choose your own adventure pack.

Zhe had the perfect voice to be a sex phone operator. We had phone sex all the time. It was hot. I really wanted that relationship again. It was what it was. So simple. So complete. I didn’t have to invest much into it.
I got less out of it than I invested.
I guess that is pretty standard.

no more.
move on.

I am so shallow when it comes to dating. I get caught in the physical needs associated with it. But right now I will stand alone because it is when we can stand alone we can...
we can...
we can...
create the possibility of being more than half of a couple.
And in this moment,
I will find the me that is the full being.
And I will find the you that is a full being.
And we will connect as full beings of light.
And it will be like fucking the angel of america.

I am a turtle.

2011-06-07T12:25:00.001-07:00

the words spin like lyrics from my mind.
My heart is my home,
my bike is my steed.
my backpack my shell.

Yet my heart is lost.
It found a home with you.
was it a lie.
when it felt so right was then
now it feels empty, lonely lacking.

it appears you have moved on so
why can’t I?
why can’t I leave people behind?
My path, my trail.
I loose people because it is so difficult

i sit and wait for you to climb up and meet me.
i sit and wait for days on end but you never show.
i don’t know how long to wait before I start climbing again.

my friends are concerned for me.
my tendency to fall in love with egocentric narcissists.
concerned for the what I say when talking about you.
i hear them in my head.
but my heart is deaf to anything but your kisses.

And I sit alone and it eats away at my soul.
I need to cut out my heart again.
I need someone to help me cut it out again.
i no longer require it.
it doesn’t serve me. I want to be without it.
it only brings me harm.
it only saddens me.

soul hearts serve what biological function?
love serves what biological function
I need to deconstruct it like a scientist.
put it on a lab tray and dissect it.
analysis it, describe its function.
coldly without feeling.
this is what I will do.

love is a fallacy.
an archaic reproduction function.

I will get over the what could have been.
I will get over the what should be.
I will get over the feeling of your lips against mine.
the shivers that it sent up and down my body.
the hard ons I would get every time I am around you.
i will get over the feeling of home I found in your arms.
I WILL get over the feeling of home I found in your arms.

The Non-Violent Revolution through Symbology to Subvert Microaggressions

2011-05-31T19:06:00.000-07:00

The Non-Violent Revolution through Symbology to Subvert Microaggressions

The neo-revolution is happening subversively, in the streets, on the Internet, in resource centers. “The Revolution will not be televised.” said Gill Scott-Heron, the godfather of Hip-Hop, knew where the revolution would be coming from. He didn’t foresee the internet and its ability to be a reflection in the mirror of the minds and the soul of the individual as they pour out on social networks and media syndications. My research methodology was once the card catalogs and the library; now it is tumblr and both result creditably. It is the social media where the revolution is happening. The face of tumblr, facebook and other social networks is being adopted by the outcasts to assert their place in society. This is empowering Others to do the same. This is the idea behind the visibility project. By reflecting on the cultural oppressiveness of beauty standards and to reclaim the use of imagery to redefine the cultural norm of beauty, I hope to help create a safer space with less racism.

I chose to volunteer at the Queer Resource Center (QRC) because I wanted to further explore the volunteer work I had already been engaging in there. The conflict I chose was racism and recreating the image of the QRC to reflect the new staff’s anti-racist ideology. My project was to volunteer to do research, print, and cover the walls of the QRC with imagery of queer people of color, a visual symbol of the center's new ideology. The idea for this project came from my new understanding of how symbolism and imagery affect our beauty standards and how visual representations of yourself in spaces help people feel more welcome in a space. The other hope is that it will increase conversations. The visual aides which includes words that explain language and other ally tools have also helped increase dialog around language and safer space. This paper is on why I choose this methodology as well as the impact of these images as well as the general change in the QRC over the year.

One of the first things I pushed for was a safer space policy. So we have a policy, that as a staff person, we must interrupt any oppressive language. We also, as staff, are dedicated to Non-Violent Communications as well as positive affirmations. The group we call the DeskCore (the main volunteers) has also picked up on this. Growing exponentially after I started working with the volunteer coordinator to allow for those volunteers to have more responsibility and also more one on one mentor-ship around anti-oppression. This has created a good foundation for this more sleeper effect propaganda.

Frst I will talk about the visibility campaign and the redefining beauty project. I will also be defining some new concepts that I have created in response to microagressions and relating those back to both the visibility campaign and the mentorship campaign. And tie these concepts into Galtung's theories on Cultural Violence and Nair's theories on emotions and conflict.

Here at the end of my research I re-found the term microagressions. Terminology that although I had seen before but hadn't been able to connect in the same way. Microagressions are harder to define because they are erasured at the base level. Psychology Today states: “While people of color may feel insulted, they are often uncertain why, and perpetrators are unaware that anything has happened and are not aware they have been offensive. For people of color, they are caught in a Catch-22. If they question the perpetrator... denials are likely to follow.” (Wing Sue 2010)
Derald Wing Sue explains microaggressions as the daily common experiences of aggression of subtle bigotry which remain invisible and are significantly more harmful than overt bigotry. He goes on to explain that microaggressions create anger, frustration, and poor self-esteem. Wikipedia's article on microaggression states:

“These are subtle, stunning, often automatic, and non-verbal exchanges which are ‘put-downs’ of blacks by offenders”.... People have expressed several ways in which they feel harmed when they receive racial microaggressions. For example, people may feel demeaned by implied messages such as, 'You do not belong,' 'You are abnormal,' 'You are intellectually inferior,; 'You cannot be trusted,' and 'You are all the same.' Recipients of these messages have also reported feeling other negative consequences, including powerlessness, invisibility, pressure to comply, loss of integrity, and pressure to represent one’s group.” (Wing Sue 2010)
Basically microagressions are the acts which cause erasure. It can be seen in subtle snubs or dismissive looks, gestures, and tones. “Microinequities is used to describe the pattern of being overlooked, underrespected, and devalued because of one’s race or gender. “ (Wing Sue 2010)

Psychology Today defines microassaults as “conscious and intentional discriminatory actions: using racial epithets, displaying White supremacist symbols - swastikas, or preventing one's son or daughter from dating outside of their race.” (Wing Sue 2010) In response I have coined 'microdefense' as conscious and intentional use of symbology to promote egalitarianism. Displaying identity based symbology that represents empowerment. Consciously be open to dating outside your race or moreover to be actively looking for friendships/relationships that are outside of your race. This being what most of this project is focused on.

Psychology Today goes on to define microinsults as “verbal, nonverbal, and environmental communications that subtly convey rudeness and insensitivity that demean a person's racial heritage or identity. An example is an employee who asks a co-worker of color how he/she got his/her job, implying he/she may have landed it through an affirmative action or quota system.” (Wing Sue 2010) And I coined: 'microcompliments' as verbal, nonverbal and environmental communications that subtly convey acceptance as well as normalize and affirm identity. Instead you could affirm how excited you are to be working with a new co-worker as you know they must be an excellent choice for the job.

Lastly Psychology Today defines microinvalidations as “communications that subtly exclude negate or nullify the thoughts, feelings or experiential reality of a person of color. For instance, White people often ask Latinos where they were born, conveying the message that they are perpetual foreigners in their own land.” And my final term is 'microvalidations' which I define as communication that subtly validates, encourages, empowers the thoughts, feelings or experiential reality of a person of color. For example, you could ask a Latino to tell you their story and if they are from Latin America or the states that would have a huge impact on their identity and part of their story.

Microaggressions are a form of transactional oppression. “Transactional: Everyday Behaviors that occur between and among us- choice of words, body postures, eye contact, and so on -communicate and negotiate power.” (Schrock-Shenk 2000) They are also contractual “sets of agreements, tactics or explicit, create environments in which power is distributed in particular ways.” (Schrock-Shenk 2000) But the concept of beauty is a structural oppression. “both face to face transactions and group situations exist in the context of greater social structures, which define as underlying set of power relations.” (Schrock-Shenk 2000) Galtung looks at 'cultural violence' as the ideology which legitimizes other forms of violence such as direct and structural violence. “One way cultural violence works is by changing the moral color of an act from red/wrong to green/right or at least to yellow/acceptable...” (Gultung 1990)

An example of this moral ambiguity is a study that was recently published in Psychiatry Today is a great example entitled; 'Why Black Women Are Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women', psychologist Satoshi Kanazawa from the London School of Economics (LSE) concluded that he had found that African American women were 'objectively' less attractive than European American, Asian American, and Native American women....Many people's responses were emotionally charged, and rightly so. (Kaufman 2011)

What makes the study most interesting to me is the absolute lack of appropriate methodology to analyze the data. As Kaufman goes on to say “academic freedom does not entail the right (1) to misinterpret data and (2) to ignore empirical findings that go against stated claims... (and) it must be noted that with so many variables, there are bound to be many statistically significant results in the data set simply due to chance.” (Kaufman 2011)

This ties into what Galtung says about how cultural violence changes the moral color of an act or at least attempts to. Kanazawa was attempting to rationalize racism and in doing so he was engaging in horizontal oppression. Galtung explains this as “combined direct an structural violence, with one group treating another group so badly that they feel a need for justification and eagerly accept any cultural rationale handed to them.” (Galtung 295) He also explains top dogs and under dogs, basically as it sounds. In our example racist beauty standards cause women who look more white to have more access to resources (men) and women with darker skin to be more disadvantaged and exploited. Kanazawa was rationalizing this by stating that black women were innately less attractive. Another way of saying this is 'chooseness' which can only exist when there is:

“Self and Other... A steep gradient is then constructed, inflating, even exalting, the value of Self: deflating, even debasing, the value of Other. At that point, structural violence can start operating....When the Other is not only dehumanized but has been successfully converted into an 'it', deprived of humanhood, the stage is set for any type of direct violence, which is then blamed on the victim.” (Galtung 298)

This is all the structure that lies underneath our conceptualization of beauty standards. The question that I posed for myself is what can I do to change this? I knew it was important for people to see visual representation of themselves in order to feel safe in spaces. Upon hang the images I found that since that foundational work had already happened most folks just got it and loved it. They asked for more. It was an “emotional contagion... how the social context may induce or shape the arousal of emotions through conscious and unconscious processing.” (Nair 366) The director has agreed to allot funds for professional prints to be made up over the summer for next year. One women of color came in and said “Oh, I love it, who did this?” She then turned around and saw me and said “it was you wasn't it? Of course it was.” Before I could even open my mouth. I think the project has been a great success.

This to me is an example of what I am coining as a microdefense. By setting the beauty standard at the QRC as one that validates the beauty of people of color, it creates a space that is more welcoming to people of color. This is also a microvalidation of their identity and a microcompliment of their beauty. It acts as an antithesis to the hegemonic standards of white culture. This symbolism in addition to the other structural empowerment systems we are creating at the QRC has already created a space which is visibly more diverse. I believe introducing some of the rhetoric I have learned over the period of this course will only increase our use of microvalidations and microcompliments within the space as well as structurally doing more microdefense work. Although the conflict of the QRC not being a safe space for people of color and therefore creating an resource access issue for queer people of color is not solved completely I believe this project was a step in the right direction.

References:

Galtung, Johan. (1990). Cultural Violence. Journal of Peace Research vol 27, no. 3, pp. 291-305

Kaufman, Scott Barry. (May 21, 2011) Black Women Are Not (Rated) Less Attractive! Our Independent Analysis of the Add Health Dataset. Retrieved from: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beautiful-minds/201105/black-women-are-not-rated-less-attractive-our-independent-analysis-the-a

Microagression [web log post]. (2011, May 29). Retrieved from: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Microaggression

Nair, Nisha. (2008). Towards understanding the role of emotions in conflict: a review and future directions. Institutional Journal of Conflict Management, vol 19, no 4, pp. 359-381

Schrock-Shenk, Carolyn. (2000). Power and Conflict. Mediation and Facilitation Training Manual. Akron, Pa: Menonite Concilia Service, pp 78-83

Wing Sue, Derald, Ph.D., and Rivera, David, M.S. (October 5, 2010.) Microaggressions in Everyday Life: A new view on racism, sexism, and heterosexism. Psychology Today. Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/microaggressions-in-everyday-life/201010/racial-microaggressions-in-everyday-life

Wing Sue, Derald. (March 2010) Microaggressions in Everyday Life: Race, Gender and Sexual Orientation. Preface. New Jersey: John Wiley and Sons.

Wing Sue, Derald. (March 2010) Microaggressions in Everyday Life: Race, Gender and Sexual Orientation. Racial/Ethnic Microagressions and Racism. New Jersey: John Wiley and Sons.

foregivness requires mutualism and self-agency

2011-05-22T12:45:00.000-07:00

This is a online forum conversation from my conflict resolutions class. Because it deals with the way I process the world around me and although I didn't discuss it my gender identity. I wanted to post it. PS- I love dialog on these new ideas.

Original Post:
Although through this class I am reanalyzing; for me forgiveness has always been something for me as an individual as opposed to something I do for others. I would also acknowledge that I do the obligatory "It's ok." and "I forgive you" for things that I am actually not okay with.

A recent situation that happened to a friend and I had a chance to tell them that I was sorry that I hadn't been paying attention when they needed me. And they replied I am trying not to say it is ok. And my response was to tell her “you shouldn’t because it is not... It is not ok the way, we as communities, deal with problems like this. Where a person in the power over position takes advantage of the power under.

So back to my original point forgiveness, true forgiveness is selfish. You forgive to cease your misery from the experience. You stop being resentful because it is no longer of importance to you to resent. The person no longer has any power over you so you have the ability to truly forgive them for being human. I don’t believe that this is forgiveness is possible in anything other than total and complete self-agency which I believe is only capable when you are mentally, physically, and emotional separate from the power over or abusive person.

I am further wondering if any co-dependent or inter-dependent relationships can ever truly be healthy. I understand that our society doesn’t readily give way for other models of intimacy but seriously depending on one other person to be everything just doesn’t make logical sense. What happens when that unresolvable conflict comes around and both parties don’t have flexibility. How much does one have to wager? How do you do cost analysis on things like traits for a partner?

I guess this has become less about forgiving and more about finding out how not to have to get to that point. This is because I don’t think it is plausible to forgive, to have settlement resolutions, to compromise in relationships where one person has more power than the other. Perhaps I have only seen case where there is an abuse in power. Perhaps I have also only seen unequal relationships. I have no sense of a model where both parties were behaving as equals. And I am not sure that they truly exist.

I like to look at it as who has the choice in the situation. Sure both people have “a” choice but it usually carries more consequences for one party than the other. You can see this in the “I don’t have to” model. Cases from class include, “I don’t have to listen to you.” and the validation that occurred, “I’m sure she is making it up and you are doing the best you can do.” The cognitive dissonance was pretty obvious to me. the perspectives given: “I am trying so hard”; and “ she accuses me.”

The second example of “I don’t have to adhere to your cleanliness standard.” I see a mutualistic person would have chosen to modify their behavior slightly in a way that caused them no harm. If the clean housemate took responsibility for their cleanliness urge. And the not so clean guy worked harder to be clean I am sure they would have been fine living together. Maybe dishes guy does the dishes and mowing the lawn guy, mows the lawn?

I like this better as a definition of forgiveness. Forgiveness is an organic, ongoing process where you are flexible in a relationship with another person who is also returning that positive mutualistic intent. In these relationships forgiveness become innate because both parties continue to grow and evolve off of each other. Repetitive behaviors are seldom and thus forgiveness becomes a trust. A trust that this other person has the ability to learn from mistakes and pain that they have caused upon other people. Thus we know that there won’t be repetitive cycles of abuse. This is truly forgiving another person. Truly being able to move past the wrongs that have been done to you with the fortitude that it won’t happen again in a trusting and loving relationship where the individuals have autonomy and self-agency.

___________________________________________________________________________________

I am so glad that you wrote this, the last paragraph was very new to me and a great way to look at forgiveness.

I completely agree with your statements about how we are taught that "its okay" and "sorry" are responses that we automatically should say when a problem arises. So many times we are not okay with those situations and yet we find ourselves lying without even meaning to. I think that we are taught to respond like this by our society, and we are taught forgiveness as the settlement camp enforces it.

However, I have never thought of forgiveness in the way that you explained in your last paragraph. I love this idea of it meaning a mutual trust. I am wondering if you mean a mutual trust into knowing that both parties are going to listen to everyones ideas with open ears and then agree on something to work on? I also really like what you say about it becoming an innate behavior. Your way of explaining forgiveness could be extremely important for people to learn especially when thinking about romantic relationships, where power may be unequal.

You have some great ideas and I hope that you are able to share your ideas on what forgiveness really means with many people. I think they could help shift our societies view and help many relationships.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Smitty, your response commands saliency:

"So back to my original point forgiveness, true forgiveness is selfish. You forgive to cease your misery from the experience. You stop being resentful because it is no longer of importance to you to resent. The person no longer has any power over you so you have the ability to truly forgive them for being human. I don’t believe that this is forgiveness is possible in anything other than total and complete self-agency which I believe is only capable when you are mentally, physically, and emotional separate from the power over or abusive person."

Bravo!

This is exactly what I was expressing by my original post. I'd also like to add forgiving from this place/position exacts a person into a completely different domain of power and as you poignantly expressed, their "self-agency."

It's my belief that truly healthy relationships, (ones in which both parties flourish and thrive in accordance with their own ideals), are playful about power--they throw the chi around, engage and disengage with and through it--they find, make and celebrate one another through the process. Love, respect and admiration never ceases though the relationship may 'end'.

Another wise utterance:

A trust that this other person has the ability to learn from mistakes and pain that they have caused upon other people.

And, if I may, if you haven't already covered it: This is where we find the moment to reflect on our personal beliefs and why we will or won't change and through this we maintain or recreate boundaries or paradigms of belief.

Thank you for your thoughts and wisdom.

V

ps. I've found that there is little to forgive, much to understand and, at times, even more to change.

Conflict Resolution Assignment regarding emotions attached to Planned Parenthood and Funding Cuts

2011-04-28T22:32:00.001-07:00

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2011/04/28/states-fight-defunding-planned-parenthood/
(haha and this is fox news which has relatively no creditability in my book.)

Analyzing the role emotion plays in the conflict to cut funding for Planned Parenthood.

Planned Parenthood has always been a complex issue because of who it services and why. It proves to be a direct support system for many dis-empowered and marginalized folks. It is the polemic of Rape Culture which being the dominant paradigm causes a lot of emotions to be stirred. A lot of this class has been looking at who has the power in the situation and what cognitive disconnects are happening within that person.

Some the emotions that I first have to address are what happens within a person that allows them to rape another person. What within the dominant culture allows for us to live in a no-means-no paradigm that does address asking for consent but that their is always implied consent because she is a women, because all women are sluts and whores. Because men are so obviously superior. Tonight was take Back the Night and I saw more posts response from people who were survivors and were too triggered to go to the event. This paradigm shift is what is causing the emotions behind the anti-choice movement. The paradigm is becoming a yes-means-yes paradigm meaning, if she did NOT explicitly say yes to that act then it IS sexual violence.

The context of the right is supported by the premise of killing babies but is actually using this to hide behind the fear of loss of power due to a paradigm shift. The shift that Planned Parenthood supports is one where women have power and choice over their own bodies. They have freedom to choose what happens to it and when.

To take it a step further we should explore the racist roots of Planned Parenthood. In order to learn from history we must first remember it. Information about Planned Parenthood’s roots and the pro-life African American perspective can be found here: http://www.operationrescue.org/archives/white-sheets-to-draw-attention-to-planned-parenthoods-racist-roots-call-for-defunding/

Although I believe this perspective has been misguided by those in positional power to remove the feminist power that is symbolized by Planned Parenthood. Not that the history is not true but the desire of the dominant culture have now shifted and the mission of Planned Parenthood has also shifted. The new global war machine or the neo-colonization needs as many pawns as you can get. And although it is generally common knowledge about the racism of the US Army, Navy, ect. there is practically no actual documentation of the statistic on the diversity of the army. Especially when you look at the who dies and who is in positions of authority. I think the best deconstruction I’ve seen was Micheal Moore’s movie about violence in the US.

As for Planned Parenthood, my experience is that it is a very multicultural work place even in small towns like the one I grew up in. And not only in its mission but in the actual service you see this commitment to empowering women of color to make choices for themselves whether that is giving them support in raising a family or getting an abortion.

So I see this as a play on emotions. The right is playing on the emotions around the oppression of racism which is causing a cognitive dissonance between what Planned Parenthood actually is and what it once was. When during conflicts we don’t talk about emotion it leaves this context out of the equation allowing for the cognitive disconnect to continue.

the name of the song was...

2011-04-19T19:31:00.000-07:00

You probably don't want to read this. You probably want to avoid reading this at all costs. Last chance if you read this you might have to see how ugly the world is.

I forgot the name of the song as it played through my head.
the words were gone like a drunk father.

I found the rhythm in the tiny space between the floor and my bed.
and under the covers, under the clothes in my closet.

The tune plays again and again but I feel it is sorely missing
the lyrics, the words that give it meaning, context.

My body is a war zone full of landmines that will never know love.
My heart is a scar I wear to show the world it no longer has power over me.

I still remember the feeling so hot on my skin as I watched the skin change color and smoke, such a stale smell, burning flesh. In those moments I knew I was alive. Not in some matrix nightmare.

I am sorry Stephan, I could not learn to love. I could not learn to let this heart beat in my chest. It was only blocking blood flow to my brain so I had to cut it out. I failed you. I should have been the one to die. You had so much life ahead of you.

There is still light outside. I am still here. I am still searching for those authentic connects. That oppositional consciousness.

I want oppositional consciousness to hold me, let me cry and weep for the injustice of the world. I want it to hold me as I scream at those who have power and won't let it go. I want it to keep me safe as I wail for those who look down on me; who don't understand; who stigmatize instead of seeing the wonderful person I am.

But this will never be a physical entity. It will be me, always alone. It will only be me rocking myself to sleep in the darkness of my mind. Tonight and forever the monsters will be my cuddle buddies. They will tell me nighttime stories and tuck me. In the morning they will tell me they love me and how luck they are to have me in their life. They will say I made some coffee, come sit with me and tell me about what you are going to do today. They will say, don't go, I love you so I'll eat you right up, i will. And then they do, they eat me. the end.

3 Domains of Power

2011-04-18T11:03:00.000-07:00

"As a bottom line, mediators must recognize that mediation is not always the most appropriate conflict resolution strategy. In solutions of power imbalance, injustice and abuse, other strategies should be pursued, particularly when the situation has long-term ramifications for many people who are not likely to be represented in face to face mediation."

"Three Domains of Power...
Transactional: Everyday behaviors that occur between and among us – choice of words, body posture, eye contact, and so on - - communicate and negotiate power. ...while others negotiate power by casting a doubt on another's person's credibility.

Contractual: Set of agreements, tactic or explicit, create environments in which power is distributed in particular ways. ...assumed that his highest value... was universal accepted...

Structural: Both face-to-face transactions and groups situations exist in the context of greater social structures, which define an underlying set of power relations...That is a structural fact of life in modern-day America which is the context for any dialog or negotiation between the two groups. Matters of money, political access, educational and technological resources, group status based on culture, age, gender (i would add identity here), physical ability, ethnicity, and so on, influence every interpersonal transaction, more or less decisively depending on its content and context, and on the degree of inequality of the participants. Very often, structural components of power dynamics seem indirect and are therefore not visible to those living them."

-Mennonite Conciliation Service, Conflict and Transformation

OGBYN lecture on oophorectomy

2011-04-12T14:31:00.000-07:00

https://picasaweb.google.com/smitty.cog/OGBYNLectureOnOophorectomy?authkey=Gv1sRgCMyCtvP2r4LorQE&feat=directlink

Who cute down the Bodhi tree?

2011-04-07T02:34:00.000-07:00

Whatever it was that I don’t remember. it must have been something. that haunts me into the morning hours through the never ending night.

I am so weak. Why am I so weak that I am such easy prey to snatch up and kill. The more I fight the more your desire to own me and make me submit to your glorious almighty power.

I am so strong. Can’t you see the lines around my eyes from years of trying to laugh away the pain. The scars and permanent deformities left from all the attempts to beat me into submission. And I still stand here, refusing your violence as your sly smirk; as you again refuse to acknowledge me as a human equal and of the same material as you.

I am loud. So loud I have no voice. only audible to our sonic eared friends who are ready to stand with me through a revolution.

I will give my life for you so I don’t have to live mine. So I can escape for the constant degradation and humiliation I endure. But I can not raise my voice against my aggressors because I have nothing to bargain with. I have nothing.

I am nothing.

I am an ant who wants to be the oceans. My ocean is across a fire ant colony.

My love is an amulet called my heart. I keep losing it or breaking it. Its been crushed a few times. I keep trying to fix it but it is looking a little worse for the ware or should I say wearer.

The world is like an oyster .that ate me up and is now digesting me in its saliva.

I am the kanji of a haiku. and no I won’t explain to you what this means.

My mother aborted me and my father got too drunk so I drown in the river. But seriously folks thanks for coming out tonight.

In your moment, you might think that you might know where I have come from but I can still feel the over-sized belt buckle cold on my skin and see the carefully placed cowboy hat as i am told how much I like it. I could care less what your snap judgments of me are. especially the ones you make based on what you think you see with your eye. you have never warn my shoes and you never will. If I had a penny for every time I was called a name in hate I would be a billionaire. You?

I am my flesh. my heart. my spirit. I am fire. I am Shiva and Vishnu and Kali. Ganesha leads my way. I am the Pheonix. self-actualization. revolution. catalyst. a monster. With big teeth and yellow eyes, I’ll eat you right up I will. Or we can build forts and both be king. and howl at the moon under the banyan tree. I am the first flower and the first seed.

I must be in hell piles of dead ladybugs and the maggots keep falling on my head. The land is barren the humans have poisoned it writing useless poetry on their computers while dying a slow painful death as we all turn into demoned demeaned monsters eating each other to survive. pollution mutilated. And you will say, who did this. The birds and the fish when they leave they will point at us, the ones who cut down the Bodhi tree.

and his head explodes

2011-04-01T02:20:00.000-07:00

and then his head fucking exploded.
fuck this shit.
power and control
domination

who are you?
says the caterpillar.

You are me.
says the cheshire cat

but I hate you, you/me.
you will become everything I am not.
you will become everything I do not want to see about myself.
then I have permission to hate you.

when you become the other.
then I may hate you.

my hate will have a smile and it will be called love.
but it is still hate.
it is still privilege.
it is still domination.

and I am you and you are me.
so I am hate.
I am anger.
I am power.

I am rhetoric.

and you, you are mine.
because you are me.
but I am me.
so you, you can be discarded.

I am suppositions.
I am statements in questions.
I am the language of the patriarchy.

Love has forgotten comfort.
It lives in the area when you push into
the uncomfortable.

Love is uncomfortable.
You have to push into it.

Love is the wrong answer.
hate is the correct one.
why?
because only when humble can we find love.
When we preach love, we are not humble.
when we preach their is only me and I.

But I want to know about them, the others.
I don’t want your place of privilege...
anymore.
I am tired of it being beaten over my head.
and I don’t care about what you have to tell me
about the others. You are not one of us. You are not other.
You are defining us.
losing words to your ego.

You take and I give, right?
that’s the way it is suppose to work?

could you tell me one more time what you did to earn your place in the world because you know I still really don’t get why who your parents were somehow make you better than me. I don’t care if they were white, upper class, heterosexual or any of the other social markers because that is what they called unearned privilege. If you don’t understand the term unearned privilege then don’t tell me you are a social justice advocate because I will call you a liar.

small

2011-03-30T20:56:00.001-07:00

small

that is my identity.

I am nothing else.
tiny. insignificant.

I will listen.
You will tell me lots.

I will think and learn.
Inside I become a wolf.
and I protect my pack.

I will relearn everything.
I put my roots deep into the ground.
I will grow tall reaching my needles to the sky.

I can see through the mountains.
I can see through your eyes.
I can see the never ending stretches of the sea.

I will be invisible, invincible.
small like a rock.
a stone,
butch.

but I am still invisible.
You can/do not see me.

Open Letter to Bitch

2011-03-28T15:38:00.000-07:00

As I sit here and read back and forth both side of this argument my brain keeps playing in the back of my head, what does that even mean “womyn born womyn” and am I womyn born? I was mostly socialized as a womyn but not really because I was allowed some variance in my personality. I don't think I was born a womyn. I personally don't think I was born a man either but I don't identify with either of the binary genders. If I did consider myself a man then I would consider that I was born a man. My gender identity and socialization is not attached to my sexual organs.

I believe this is the piece that the Michigan Womyn's Festival and Bitch are missing. Trans folks are not socialized the same as cis-gendered folks. There are countless cases of trans women who in their formative years suffered countless abuse from fathers, brothers and other authority figures trying to beat the effeminacy out of them. I am not sure I see the male privilege in this.
I do see a deep misunderstanding and inability to have compassion.

I am not trying to advocate that folks who were socialized as womyn can't create specific safe spaces as I would feel uncomfortable limiting the personal freedom of anyone. Bitch speaks of People of Color specific spaces. But this also can be problematic because there are many people now who grew up in multicultural families but have skin privilege. I see the complication happening when people start drawing arbitrary lines in the sand defining other people's identities. Whose is the decision maker on who gets to be a womyn?

This is one of the reasons I have issues with separatism. I am not part of any elite separatist group. I am not a women. I am not a man. I am not white. I am not a person of color. Despite being invited into these spaces I always feel as though someone is thinking I shouldn't be there.

But this is all about something so much more than whether I agree or disagree with seperatism. This is about -->THE<-- Womyn Festival of North America stating that it doesn't believe trans womyn are 'real' womyn. There policy confirms to the world at large that womyn are only womyn if some doctor (probably a man) says so when they were born. It doesn't take into consideration any of the grey area around what the difference between sex and gender actually means. To me this upholds the patriarchal system. It also maintains the divide and concur system that is being placed on us.

Instead of advocating for exclusion, I would like Mich Fest to come to the table and talk about compromise. What would it look like if the policy defining what a women was was broadened but some space are defined as safe places for those who were socialized as women to explore that oppression. Or another option would be to lend support to trans women to create a festival that was inclusive and change the language of the exclusion as to no longer invalidate trans womyn's womanhood. Even language like: to create a space for those socialized as women to have space to explore that oppression. If that is truly what Mitch Fest is trying to do and why Bitch supports the space. In many ways, if this were the language that was being used I would agree with Bitch and say yes, they have a right to create that space specifically for folks who were socialized as women.

The disagreement I have is with the language that is being used. First off, individuals have no right to self identify as an ally. This is not a word you can call yourself. It is not a label you can hide behind so you don't have to address your oppressive action or languages. Case in point: if someone says your words and actions are trans-phobic and/or trans-misogynist, your response should NEVER be, that can't be true because I am a trans ally. Another response would be I am sorry I have done something that has hurt you, please let me know what it was so I can be more careful next time.

Bitch is not an ally to ALL trans people even if she is an ally to some transmen. Her speech is abrasive to me. Her words compel me to believe she does not acknowledge the difference between sex and gender identity. She seems to believe that trans basically means butch women /femme men. Saying statements like: “I support women making their own boundaries...” and using women to only identify women who were labeled women at birth does not acknowledge that transwomen are women. It says that they are only men who 'want to be women.' I don't think this is what Mitch Fest nor Bitch are trying to say. What I don't realize is why both parties as well as many other “feminist” organizations continue to deny allegations of transphobia and trans-misogyny instead of actually engaging in community dialog with the trans-feminine community.

So Bitch I repeat what many other people have stated you must be accountable for your language and lack of education around the lives and experiences of tranwomen.

Again, non-violent anti-oppressive communication would state: “I am sorry I have done something that has hurt you, please let me know what it was so I can be more careful next time.”

If after hearing their words you feel defensive ask yourself does what they ask for cause me harm or infringe upon my rights somehow.
If so then you can speak from that truth.
You can state: I need a space where women born women can congrigate.
They can response: that language hurts my feelings. Why? (See above)
then you as an individual and Mitch Fest can come to a compromise.

If you still think Transwomen have so much privilege I will point out the facts which are readily easy to find. At TransEquality.org and the TaskForce.org and transgenderdor.org where you will see lists of names of transwomen who were brutally killed.

Bitch has been asking for specific things so here are my personal requests:

1. Stop self-identifying as a trans ally.
2. Release a statement that whether or not it was out of context, the language bitch has used at various points in the past is hurtful to trans folks especially trans women. And also admit that using hurtful, oppressive language that minimizes an individuals gender identity and experience is transphobic and advocating for the exclusion of a population based on a patriarchal view of gender identity is trans-misogyny.
3. Commit to reading literature by Trans-feminists and engaging in direct dialog with the transfeminist community around language and identity politics.
4. Agree to play mitch fest only if organizers agree to have a dialog about their exclusionary language and policies.
5. Recognize and publicly acknowledge that belittling trans-women by saying they are acting on male privilege when they self-advocate and then belittling them for not protesting you is really oppressive.

It was brought to my attention after I wrote this by J who brings up a good point. Who would define who was socialized as a women and as I stated above I am not sure I would identify as being socialized as a women as I was my dad's son to take into the woods and my mom's son to take care of the house. Although I do still like the language better than women born women that insinuates that if you were not born a women you can't ever really be one and doesn't take into consideration the difference between sex and gender.

So I think if this was an interpersonal dialog that would be a compromise I would take one for the team. On a national scale though we can probably come up with something better to create harmony between communities need for segregation and safe space and our global social justice movement. I don't want to take a way a space that means so much to so many people but I can't ignore all the people it does take space from. I hear feedback that there are other women's music festivals but I don't know of them and as a born and raised feminist this shows a lack of understanding because what I was trying to say was there is a point as an organizer you must check your own privilege and take into account what your organizing is doing to other people in other communities.

A good example was the recent Trans March Fiasco where the pervasiveness of unchecked privilege and racism prevent a large portion of the community from attending whether those individuals where people of color or just standing in solidarity with people of color. To me it didn't make much sense to alienate themselves like that. For me I am also wanting to have more people feel welcome and included as opposed to telling people that they are not welcome which invalidates their very existence.

And although I seem to exist in the lines between these spaces I still see that they are important to those who need them. I hear this as the excuse that is used for Mitch Fest. "You just want to take away our safe space." No, I don't actually hear that coming from anyone. I hear: your space makes me feel unsafe. I hear: your movement is oppressive and unsafe to our community. I hear: we are asking you to change your language so it is so oppressive and invalidating. All these writings and open communications that I have found on the internet are spoken from this traditional feminine communication style written by trans-women. What I see as being very patriarchal is having your identity defined by another person, alienation and oppression technics, segrgation, one name of person being better (more real) than another name of person.

Another exhert from an interview where Bitch says somethings which i found really hurtful:

“And you think someone who's male-to-female, once they've transition to being female, you still consider that male birth to be a factor; you really distinguish between a woman who's born a woman and a woman who's born a man?

B. Yeah, there's a definite distinction. It doesn't mean that they're not a woman. If they want to be a woman, I'll call them a woman, I'll treat them as a woman, no problem. I don't have any problem with changing up my definitions of what a woman is. But, they're definitely not a woman like I'm a woman. It's a different kind of woman, just like a black woman is a totally different woman than me in a lot of ways. Simply based on our experiences in the world and how we spent our girlhoods. It's going to be totally different for somebody who's black, than for me, as a white girl. And how I walk into a deli in New York, I'm treated totally different than somebody who's black, you know? I think that a lot of what's projected onto us is by nature just completely different. And so yeah, a woman who was born as a man is definitely a totally different kind of woman than me.”

I respond by asking how does she know what kind of a women a trans women is or how they are different than she is. We can learn through intercultural communications that one of the biggest mistakes people make is assuming similarities and assuming difference. In the same sentence I will say that I support people being able to claim their own space and I also support people being able to self-identify and claim their own identity and experiences. If choosing between the two I will support for the decision that doesn’t deny rights to a person based on labels that patriarchy place upon them. I will choose the side who is trying to communicate why something is hurtful, not the side which is hurting another one.

I don’t want a witch hunt, I just don’t want people to abuse the word ally and take away any mean that it might have. I honestly am not sure I would have said anything if that wasn’t the first thing in my face. “I am your ally so you can’t call me on my language.” is a fallacy. As an ally I ask people to correct my language and give me better language to use. I make mistakes. I am human. I am willing to forgive other people’s mistakes and see that they are human as well. I am NOT ok with someone saying they are my ally when using language that is hurting people in my community. I am currently in conversation with Bitch about doing an interview with me. I hope that she will listen to the words that I am trying to bring to the table for consideration. Currently she says she thinks it is intense for me to ask her to stop identifying as a trans ally and that she doesn't appreciate my assumptions.

Here are some links to other writing people have done about this issue:

http://www.facebook.com/notes/annie-danger/an-open-letter-to-my-friends-who-attend-the-michigan-womyns-music-festival/127678003942665
http://www.pamshouseblend.com/diary/1971/
http://blogout.justout.com/?p=17838
http://queertoday.blogspot.com/2007/06/trans-misogyny-in-dyke-communities.html
http://eminism.org/readings/bitch-mwmf.html

Here are some exerts of Bitch's comments:
KB: Do you get shit from the trans community for playing at Michigan?
B: Yes, from parts of the trans community. People who think there aren?t trans people at Michigan are so fucked up. If someone tries to tell me [Michigan] is transphobic, I tell them to stuff it. There?s so many trannies there. And it?s not trans people being marginalized. It?s people who were born as men. The festival is for people who suffered a girlhood. That?s all it is. They?re not trying to redefine what women are. I think it?s really ironic, I don?t see nearly as much activism around all male gatherings. I?m sure everybody over at Camp Trans are not protesting all the all-male gatherings that happen all over the country all the time. It is so the patriarchy. I?m so over it. I think it?s totally the patriarchy and it?s complete ageism.
KB: How so?
B: Because going to Michigan is like going to another country. These visionaries set up Michigan for six f**king days out of the year. It?s not like they?re trying to make a city. They want to have a party with only these kinds of people. They?re our elders. They had a vision. When I was younger, I had a stereotype of what an older lesbian was. I thought they were nerdy, wearing purple all the time and walking around with their hand drum that they can?t play. And then when I went there I had my mind blown by what an intellectual, what a survivalist community it was. If my elders want to say for these six days only these kinds of women can come, then I need to respect that. It is so against our nature to respect women for having boundaries. I think that?s exactly what?s happening.
I had the same experiences as a white girl at Michigan. I felt blown away that I couldn?t go to the women of color events. I felt very entitled about it and very pissed off. And then I had to be schooled about it. I met this Black woman at a meeting and I told her I wanted to go to that, I feel it would educate me to be less racist. And she said sometimes people need to section off and they need to be with people who?ve had similar experiences so they can come out into the bigger community and be stronger people. I really had to respect that.

Bitch. I'd say my stance basically is that I support the policy. I support women making their own boundaries for something they've created and how they want it to go down in the world. I came upon that after years of debating with myself and with other people. It just dawned on me that in our society it's so hard for us to accept women saying no to people. And that feels like the root of the issue for me - that this is a private gathering in a way, and it was set up by a small group of people who have this ideal that they want it to be like that, and I think that's OK. Also, I can't ignore the politics of entitlement around it, you know, how a lot of the issue, and I have noticed this in talking with my friends out at Camp Trans, a lot of the issues are around people born males. So, I find in this patriarchal system that so much of women's energy goes towards making men feel comfortable and satisfying men. This is hard to say... I'm not convinced that if there were problems with people born women being excluded from this space...I'm not so convinced that so many people would rally around them, trying to help them. I think there's a lot of entitlement at work. When I see protesters at my shows, generally the majority is not trans people. The majority of the protesters are fem girls, usually white students, and there's usually one M to F - it's all about them. So I can't ignore that dynamic and I think it's hard for people to tolerate, when they're raised in the patriarchy, it's hard for people to tolerate women saying no. -http://indigogirls.com/correspondence/2005/2005-06-13-a/interview02.html

Does it sound easy? Fuck You!

2011-03-26T22:05:00.000-07:00

The title of this comes from a Sonic Youth Song that somehow inspired the piece of writing I have been working on. This is just the first part of it. The rest turns sort of into essay form and is not ready for the world but this as it stand s I feel pretty good about.

Does it sound easy? Fuck You!

My power has gotten to big for this shell.
My chest, my lungs, my heart
push against it as I gasp for air.
Pounding in my head,
in my whole body.
I shake. I sweat. I cry.

I scream.

I am silent.
And there is distance.
And there is blame.

I reach. I grasp for the love.
We all reach to not be alone.
We wonder if we are or not alone.

Sometimes there are people.
They are with us no?
But we are still alone.
Because this shell.

It itches.
It hurts.
I want it to be off.
But it 'protects me'.
Right?

Why is there pain?
Why does it hurt?
Why are their bullies
and aggressors?

God, goddess, whatever that is that is there, why oh why is there violence?
Why are we, human beings violent?
My church of science cannot explain.

(to be continued)

Kate bornstein Introduction Speech

2011-03-08T22:42:00.000-08:00

So, I think I have something in common with you all, I think Kate Bornstein is the bee's knees. I have been working on bring Kate to Portland since last fall. I loved her response to it gets better. And her advocacy around bullying was irresistible. I asked Kate to come speak on bullying because the truth is I barely survived bullying. I STILL barely survive the bullying. The thing is we, as a community, don't have the skills to support each other, much less the youth of today. Recently I have been asking people what does support mean. You know what it feels like when you don't feel supported and when you feel confident and good about yourselves. But we never talk about it. We don't teach the youth language to thrive nor support each other. We need to find tools to support not only each other but also the youth as they navigate a hostile world where many have forgotten what compassion is. Where many have forgotten how to be empathetic.
I had a teacher Mr.J, the only teacher that would stop the other kids from picking on me. He let me stay inside during recess and play computer games instead of sending me out to the hyenas. It is probably why I have such an affinity towards computers. On the days I did go out, I would try to hide from the other kids and play by myself. They would come find me and surround me shouting insults; hiding this abuse from whomever was suppose to be watching. The recent study by trans Equality and the Task Force it says that “those who expressed a transgender identity or gender non-conformity while in grades k-12 reported an alarming rate (of) 78% (reported) harassment”, 35% physical assult and 12% sexual violence.
I learned in those early days that I was not wanted, that I was and always would be an outsider. When I moved to the “big city” I thought it would be different, some picture perfect MTV real world. But it wasn't. Even in our Portlandia, we are cruel towards one another. Arbitrary lines are drawn between people in our community. People are alienated. So instead of “community”; we have bullying in other words, an abuse of power which is shown through putting down another person or alienating them in order to make yourself appear bigger and better. The survey goes on to say 1/6th leave school because the harassment is so severe and that of those nearly half (48%) reported having experienced homelessness
I have been self sufficient since I was 15. Less than two years later, have GED will travel. I made it out because of my best friend. She was the first person to tell me I was wanted; to show me unconditional love; to stand beside me and tell the bullies to stop or she would make them. She saved my life. Some of you in the audience probably already know what this means because you have been suicidal before. Others probably can't ever truly understand why someone would want to hurt or kill themselves. But you don't have to understand, just empathize. Our survey goes on to say, “a staggering 42% of respondents reported attempting suicide compared to 1.6% of the general population with rates rising for those who... were harassed/bullied in school at 51%... and of the 8% that were physically or sexually assaulted by teachers, 76% attempted suicide. Of those who left school, 5.14% were HIV positive compared to 0.6% rate of the general population.
But bullies don't stop when they grow up. Queers can also be bullies and violent, even domestically. Doesn't make us much different than everyone else. Victims can be re-traumatized when they are alienated and heckled public. The thing is... we as a community, as individuals, we can do something about it. We can learn violence intervention. We can learn technics to stand up for other people in our communities when they are being bullied. We can go to anti-oppression, deescalation and other trainings. We can go to sensitivity trainings. We can learn to listen better. We can volunteer at community and resource centers. We can have discussions and talk about what an inclusive community really looks like. We can trade in our egos at the door for compassion and empathy. We can learn facilitation technics to help hear those who are less privileged than us and are afraid of speaking up. We can use technics like WAIT: Why Am I Talking? And Step Up, Step Down.
These are all things I know we can do because I have done them all myself. And as I stand here on stage in front of all of you. I am going to admit a bold thing. I am a human. I make mistakes. That is part of what makes a community, mistakes. But community also mean responsibility. Taking responsible for mistakes. We, as a community, need to honor the wealth of culture we have. As queers, we have many different identities: abilities, skin tones, languages, backgrounds, class backgrounds and we share this one thing that we are all discriminated for. We as a community could be held together by this similarity, not torn apart by our differences. We have great examples, great leaders. Please give a hand and welcome one of them: Kate Bornstein.

Response to "why black people can still have animosity toward whites about the slavery issue, when nobody alive today had anything to do with it?"

2011-02-13T23:57:00.000-08:00

Response to "why black people can still have animosity toward whites about the slavery issue, when nobody alive today had anything to do with it"?

because a lot of white people got rich from slavery and now there is still all this "institutional racism" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Institutional_racism) i.e., “the collective failure of an organization to provide an appropriate and professional service to people because of their color, culture, or ethnic origin”.1 which creates a system of wage slavery where in we see correlations between discrimination in the education system, high numbers of un and under employment, and then rises in crime levels.

To put it another way how would you feel if I enslaved your family for generations and got really rich, now me and my rich family employ your family to do menial jobs like cleaning, cooking, etc. but you don't make enough money to pay your rent, buy food, you don't get any medical insurance, no paid sick days. You can't buy clothes for your kids. Maybe you are one of those kids who watched their mom not eat so her kids wouldn't starve. Let's also say I say derogatory remarks to you about your ethnicity and culture. And you as this half starving kid go to school and you get picked on, school is a war zone. You do poorly because of this. There is nothing out there for you to do. Sure you could be one of those one and a million who somehow surpass all this but just look at the comments on this page.

I'm not a black person but I don't hear black people talk about slavery, other than reference to how white people got rich off the labor of the slaves and the institutional governance system that was created from the slavery governance system. I DO hear talk about all the daily struggles just because of the hue of their skin. Which bring me to my point, this article IS about the daily struggles for everyone who is not white. It IS about the affects of systematic oppression. It is NOT about black people being pissed off about slavery.

And to the guy who thinks we should judge people as individuals not give special rights to groups....

but the reality we live in is that people do receive benefits for having pale skin. It doesn't matter so much what a person's heritage if they can look white and if they also ACT white. This is apparent in looking at the statistics. From many conversations with people of color I can say that it is an unsavory climate for people of color. You can tell by all the white supremacy comments like yours. This study proves that Portland is racist. It talks about the systematic oppression of cultural groups that are experiencing bias based on the color of their skin. Also referred to as institutional racism. They are talking about creating a plan to deal with these disparities, in other words, level the playing field. They are saying this cultural group is suffering from institutional racism, we know this because we scientifically analyzed the data. What can we do to not only address it but also what can we do to support this person through these extra hurdles. This could mean hiring someone to work at the state college to be a resource coordinator for that oppressed cultural group. Such as helping a student get translation (whether that be esl or asl) so that student can attend classes thus earning a diploma and be better able to provide for themselves.

But since capitalism is a pyramid scheme there is not a lot of interest in people getting out from the bottom because smart capitalists know that means that their lives, that are unnecessarily comfortable due to the systematic oppression of other 'individuals' and the easiest way to do this is through visual markers, such as skin tone, that can be used to distinguish the other. Think star belled sneeches by Dr. Suess. Thus white people create fallacies that say things like we shouldn't be giving groups special rights because acknowledging their cultural differences is racist or we should judge people individually without regard to advantages people might have due to the white supremacy our nation was build on.

You know the funniest part is I know no matter what I write here if I don't agree with you, you are going to get really pissed off but honestly I am writing this for anyone who might read this article then look at the comments and start to feel ill at the blatant unchecked racism and white supremacy prevalent throughout. And they will read this and a few other educated comments that are also based in reality and feel a bit better about humanity.

crystals

2010-04-14T17:08:00.000-07:00

you are warm like positive thoughts and not believing everything you read. I am humble and fear of rejection hesitating to an out stretched arm... but moreover I don't want to study of regret and missed chances. I am a pebble to be kicked out of the way or placed upon a shrine. I am a dirt cover grey rock hiding glimmering crystals.

Things change

2009-09-24T02:05:00.001-07:00

Things Change.
Friends come and go.
Sometimes we loose people that we care about because we let them get to close.
Sometimes we loose them because we didn't let them get close enough.

I've changed so much over the years I wonder if I could be friend with all the people that have drifted away in my life.
Would we be better friends, or enemies. Sometimes I run into one of those friends who has drifted so far and maybe they have transitioned. Maybe we look at each other with the love we once shared for each other and the times we had. Maybe the time has created a distance between us that won't be fixed. Maybe it is because I am mostly sober now. I don't party, I don't go to bars, I am not looking for the quickest way to release my soul from the horrors of my past. I have faced my demons and it was me.

Tomorrow is a new day and I take it with open arms. I know I am not perfect and probably never will be. But I know I am trying my best. This means I am impeccable. This means that when someone comes up to me and says I don't like you, you need to change (insert derogatory remark here); I know that they are only angry and hateful at themselves. I know that I like me and that I have worked on liking me for many years. I decided that if I didn't like myself why should anyone else. So I looked at what I didn't like about myself and set about either changing it or accepting it. Now if someone says I don't like you; I can say well that's your opinion because I like me.

One needs to have this sense of self in order to transition. You have to know who you are inside and who you want to be. You have to know inside that whatever steps you take that you need to be able to feel confident about them and know you are doing the right thing because most of them you won't be able to change back very easily. You need to feel confident when people are sneering at you in distaste. When people ridicule your choices and everything about you that doesn't fit inside their ridged sensibilities.

It is such a scary place to be. And there is no one, NO ONE, else who can stand by your side. Sure you can have allies even partners, friends who have transitioned but it comes down to you and only you that wears your skins and has to live in your mind. The demons in the outside world are nothing compared to the demons inside. So you can call me whatever pronoun you need to even if that means you are calling me it; it doesn't phase me. You can say whatever derogatory remarks you want; they won't pierce my armor. Because I have me. I love me. I am EXACTLY the person I want to be at this moment.

The Non-trasn Gender Check List

2009-08-04T19:26:00.000-07:00

The non-trans privilege checklist
(Cause this was awesome.)

1) Strangers don't assume they can ask me what my genitals look like and how I have sex.

2) My validity as a man/woman/human is not based upon how much surgery I've had or how well I "pass" as a non-Trans person.

3) When initiating sex with someone, I do not have to worry that they won't be able to deal with my parts or that having sex with me will cause my partner to question his or her own sexual orientation.

4) I am not excluded from events which are either explicitly or de facto* men-born-men or women-born-women only. (*basically anything involving nudity)

5) My politics are not questioned based on the choices I make with regard to my body.

6) I don't have to hear "so have you had THE surgery?" or "oh, so you're REALLY a [incorrect sex or gender]?" each time I come out to someone.

7) I am not expected to constantly defend my medical decisions.

8) Strangers do not ask me what my "real name" [birth name] is and then assume that they have a right to call me by that name.

9) People do not disrespect me by using incorrect pronouns even after they've been corrected.

10) I do not have to worry that someone wants to be my friend or have sex with me in order to prove his or her "hipness" or good politics.

11) I do not have to worry about whether I will be able to find a bathroom to use or whether I will be safe changing in a locker room.

12) When engaging in political action, I do not have to worry about the *gendered* repurcussions of being arrested. (i.e. what will happen to me if the cops find out that my genitals do not match my gendered appearance? Will I end up in a cell with people of my own gender?)

13) I do not have to defend my right to be a part of "Queer" and gays and lesbians will not try to exclude me from OUR movement in order to gain political legitimacy for themselves.

14) My experience of gender (or gendered spaces) is not viewed as "baggage" by others of the gender in which I live.

15) I do not have to choose between either invisibility ("passing") or being consistently "othered" and/or tokenized based on my gender.

16) I am not told that my sexual orientation and gender identity are mutually exclusive.

17) When I go to the gym or a public pool, I can use the showers.

18) If I end up in the emergency room, I do not have to worry that my gender will keep me from receiving appropriate treatment nor will all of my medical issues be seen as a product of my gender. ("Your nose is running and your throat hurts? Must be due to the hormones!")

19) My health insurance provider (or public health system) does not specifically exclude me from receiving benefits or treatments available to others because of my gender.

20) When I express my internal identities in my daily life, I am not considered "mentally ill" by the medical establishment.

21) I am not required to undergo extensive psychological evaluation in order to receive basic medical care.

22) The medical establishment does not serve as a "gatekeeper" which disallows self-determination of what happens to my body.

23) People do not use me as a scapegoat for their own unresolved gender issues.

(from http://www.bilerico.com/2006/10/the_nontrans_pr.php)

Definitions

2009-08-04T17:43:00.001-07:00

If I am bi-gendered does that mean I am homo or hetero or both or am I bi-sexual? Sure I identify as queer but I am talking in terms of gender identity. Homo is being attracted to the same gender so would I only be homo if I identified as attracted to trans/ bi-gendered/ gender-queers? Hetero is attracted to the opposite gender so would I be hetero if I am attracted to cis boy and/or cis-girls? For the first time I think I am realized how much sexual orienatation IS attached to gender because it really doesn't make sense if you remove gender from the concept.
'

reality

2009-05-01T04:32:00.000-07:00

The reality is that family can suck. Even if you want one sometimes what you are given is not worth it. I have found out recently that my mother tracked me online. In doing this she decided to appropriate my transition and talk about me on a yahoo group as if we were the bestest friends. Since what she is posting doesn't come from a place of reality that means that she is posting untruths about me. How do I know this?... for some reason she decided to fwd them to me. When I emailed her back and told her that was inappropriate and to please stop writing about me, she sent me a poem telling me that she wasn't doing anything wrong and that I was psycho. Now you know why I don't often talk about my past.

2009-01-04T05:01:00.000-08:00

I remind myself of him.
When I have had to much to drink.
The next day I wake up and remember...
the night before...
remember...
Years ago and the lack of awareness of his actions and words on other people.

He didn't care.
He didn't care about anyone or anything or what they thought of him.
He hid his cares in his bottle.
Most of all he never cared about his only child that should have never been.
Him, the half man that somehow found enough sperm in that one testy to create this person
this person who is somehow alive and generally well to day.
Except when I think about how much I am like him.
How much I want to hide in the shadows, hide in the bottle from the world.

He contributed so much to my callouses.
One day he was so drunk he fell down the stairs and didn't move.
I walked over to him and said monotone, dead of heart,
“Dad, get up.”.
He tried to look up and then said “aooaahh, you ruined it.”
No one laughed.

Another time he put on an old movie of me and everyone laughed... cruelly. It was humiliating.
I begged him to turn it off. I stood in front of the TV.
He quickly grabbed me by my long hair and drug me across the room screaming at me it was his house, his TV and he would play whatever he wanted.
I clutched my hair trying to stop the pain.
No one was laughing anymore.

These are some of the things I remember. I will probably never know what I don't...
what I blocked...

I don't remember what happened the last time I passed out drunk with my best friend. I don't know why I said that stupid thing to another. I don't know why every time I can't deal with reality I reach for the crutch despite how much I hated them every time they did.
Every time that bottle was more important than me.
Every time I didn't eat but my mother couldn't stand up.
Every time, he, with eyes glazed over, goosed his girlfriend in front of me while she turned to make sure I saw in her eyes I was nothing. I hate the thought of being anything like them yet I can't stop being just like them.

Now I am a boy, the boy he always wanted, that he always wished me to be. The boy he will never meet. The boy who stood up for himself and said stop ridiculing me. The boy who was thrown away for being so brazen. Now I look in the mirror and my face looks more like his than ever. Now I hear my voice and it's pitch deepens closer to his. Now, I look at myself and try to find a way not to see a monster. They interview me on the radio ask me about why I am so special. Then they ask me if I had an contact with my family over the holidays. My face must have washed with pain, anger, confusion then went blank and I said monotone, dead of heart... “No”... Dead silence. On the air. They look at me confused I could hear their minds, isn't that awfully lonely. I wanted to answer their unasked question, no, no it wasn't. It was lonely when I was 17 and already living in another city and I drank a bottle of BV for Christmas. Tell them, it was more lonely the next year when I tried to go home only to hear about how I...
And...
Instead I gave them what they wanted to hear, “My partner's family is really great, I spent it with them.”

I didn't tell them how I despise the holiday with all my soul but I still go and open presents and stockings. Or about how I put a time limit on the visit. No more than three hours. Or about how after three hours of staring at the tree and the neatly wrapped presents I can feel the bile creeping up my throat and I desperately just want a drink.

Nor do I tell them about how this holiday that is a million paper cuts all over my heart hunts me relentlessly everywhere to the point I can hardly leave my house. I definitely don't tell them about the Christmas that I realized I loathed my family as I watch my dad so drunk that he couldn't open his eyes and my cousin, sitting next to him, who wouldn't stop talking about how worthless he was. My cousin's eyes turning to me to laugh, saying I might not have a father but that is better than this.

I hold on to these memories. The serve as an ever present reminder of what I could become. Every time I look in the mirror, I remember what I could become. Every time I try to open up sexually, I remember what I could become.

But what about all the other things I could become.
Who will remember that when I say something stupid?
Who will remember that when I can't remember what I did?
Who will be there to remind me when I feel like the bottle might be my only friend?
Luckily this story has a happy ending and I can honestly answer, my friends, my neo-family.

Oh and...

2008-12-31T00:49:00.001-08:00

I was thinking about starting a audio and photo portion of this blog but I am not sure that it would be an effective use of time. If it would be of interest to you please leave me a comment.

Call to artists

2008-12-31T00:46:00.000-08:00

While I try not to post other stuff here I think this applies. CoG has acquired a space and is putting a call out to artists (visual and performative). We are especially looking for queer and/or trans artists. Please email cog.pdx@gmail.com for more information.

2008-12-31T00:28:00.000-08:00

I haven't updated in a while since things haven't been very much different. Everything is just more. I have more acne. I have more hair, everywhere. My voice is deeper but still cracking. I can't wait to sing karaoke once it stops. Some days it is deep like the voice I hear in my mind. Some days it is not as deep. Some days I don't want to talk because I sound like a teenage boy. I guess I feel like one too. I think the voice is the thing I notice the most. It is one of the clues it was always hardest to hide. Before I could pass as long as I didn't open my mouth. No wonder trans people get erased so easily. Everything about me just seems more like me. My voice, my face, my brain. When I finally got my period in the 7th grade it was a curse to me. i didn't understand it at the time but it was the point when I stopped being me and had to deal with this other person. It was almost like having another person in my head that I didn't understand. It was like being on a boat. Rocking to and fro, feeling more and less normal and all over the place. Not that I have totally gotten off of that boat but I am much more stable on it as it is in calm water now. More interesting is that I find myself considering things that I didn't think I would consider. (Such as top surgery.) And also procrastinating things I thought I would jump on like my name/sex license change. I have seen so many transpeople walk away from everything they knew before the transition and/or leave behind so many friends now I understand why. It is so hard for people to change the way they think of you even if you have always been out to them, people often can't really see you as your correct gender; they can only see you as the gender they have decided you are. I also see why so many transpeople are in the closet; it is hard to confront the reality of our world when people will treat you like your normal just as long as you don't divulge the whole truth.

Of course, I never have been good at taking the easy road so I will continue to live my life as an out transperson however I look with the hope that my... bravery, fearlessness, stupidity... whatever you want to call it; hopefully it will help pave the road for those who are walking the same path as me.

OPB

2008-10-23T10:43:00.001-07:00

I was on air at OPB today on Think Out Loud. I didn't really think about the fact that they would come to my blog and pull from it or send a link to it. Often what I write here makes my face turn red but my goal has been to be 100% honest about what I am going through so even though it might make me feel uncomfortable I decide to post comments anyway. If you were listening to the show (or even if you weren't) I hope you will leave a comment and let me know what you think about what I am trying to do here with this blog. And/or feel open to asking me questions about things I write. Also check out my other blog. which is for our show that is premiering in December, it also talks about oppression and privilege. thanks!

Oh! and the link to OPB think out loud blog from the show:
http://action.publicbroadcasting.net/opb/posts/list/1735809.page

Masturbation Liberation

2008-10-04T07:30:00.000-07:00

For the first time in my life I finally enjoy masturbation. I feel like i am free at last, free at last thank god all mighty I am free at last.

I don't want to talk about

2008-09-12T17:17:00.001-07:00

I don't want to talk about how easy it is to get angry. How it reminds me of being an angst filled teenager. How people are just more irritating. How I open my mouth and I am surprised about what comes out.

Things are getting lower

2008-09-09T14:57:00.000-07:00

My voice. yes, I don't think people still think I am just a little sick.
The pimples. yes, they have now migrated to my butt.

Also, I am so hungry. I am starting to feel like I am missing something. I feel like considering fish but every time I have tried to eat it (like one piece of sushi) in the past I have gotten ill. I am going to try eating more hemp. I think part of the problem is I work out a lot so now that my body is learning to form muscle better I need to learn how to give it the nutrients it needs. (Note: For those who don't know I have been vegan for almost nine years and vegetarian for sixteen.)

Learning my lessons

2008-08-27T02:14:00.001-07:00

You can't be apologetic if you are a man. You can't be empathetic. You can't be nice. You can't be an asshole either thought because you are still a girl. Prove to me that your not. Oh, you apologized. Oh, you made a mistake. I will still interact with you the same as always because no matter how open minded I think I am; I am still a sexist. I still expect you to fit in your box but now you must fit in both boxes at the same time. You must carry the weight and burden of a man but accept it like a girl. You now get the worst of both worlds and you get to hide for your life in the closet because no one likes you.

Taking it in the ass!

2008-08-22T17:00:00.000-07:00

I have been too busy to post for a bit which is sad but it is happy that I am posting now. I started my full does of T and switched to taking it once every two weeks instead of every week which is a lot easier and since the T is a slow release it doesn't make much difference. I was taking the shot in the bum but I realized that poking scar tissue with a needle once a week sucks bad. I am guessing that there is not a lot of trannies out there with heavy scar tissue in that region of hip but if you are one don't take your shots in the ass. My doctor says to me, "it shouldn't really hurt." and I was freaking out because it hurt so bad that it was ruining my butchness.

About changes that have been happening:
*well, yes I am a lot more horny, that came with my first full shot. And something else (well, I call it my cock) has gotten a lot bigger and very sensitive. Sometimes it is painful. A boi from the trans group said that it happened to him and no one warned him. It was good to hear I thought maybe I had a bad yeast infection centering in on my clit.
*My voice is starting to change. People are starting to ask if I am sick.
*I am getting slightly more hairy.
*The WORST: I had the worst acne when I was younger. Removing dairy from my diet back then changed my life. Now I look like a pepperoni pizza, well not really but it feels like it.

My brain feels good, normal, mostly. I am starting to notice even more about how much people expect me to have feminine communicate probably because I think I should be free of that now. It makes me wonder if people who know me know will be able to think of me differently once I look different. One of my best friends said that he wouldn't think of me any different no matter what I did to myself. (I both appreciated and hated him questioning me and my decision.) Luckily, he has never expected my communication to be feminine (which is probably why he is one of my best friends.) I think now that I am on a full dose the changes will be happening more quickly and I will be posting more. :s)

Transguyz

2008-07-24T18:48:00.001-07:00

We have a group here in Portland that is really awesome it is called Transguyz. Here are some resource we gather last meeting.

Trans resources in PDX
http://resourcespdx.org
Natropath in PDX specializing in trans health and Testostrone
http://tylercscott.com

http://thetransitionalmale.com
http://www.transtherapist.com/

-smitty of the CoG
http://queer.tripod.com

feeling normal

2008-07-11T18:13:00.001-07:00

In my last posts I comment that I didn't feel anything. This is true I have felt completely normal which is actually not normal since this is the time of the month when my estrogen usually flares up. So feeling normal is awesome. I got so caught up in feeling something I forgot the reason I started this process was to feel normal. Cheers to feeling normal. :)

First Shot

2008-07-10T03:25:00.000-07:00

Mellow-dramatic and anticlimactic all at the same time. My adrenaline was going so hard after riding my bike in rush hour traffic on a hot day in Portland and the excitement and anxiety over what was about to happen that when it did I lost it and almost passed out. But other than feeling nauseated due to a lack of water and over excitement, I don't really feel any different.

My partner story of picking up T

2008-07-08T23:32:00.000-07:00

Smitty asked me to pick up his first prescription of T for him, since I would have the car today. So I want to the counter and said, "I need to pick up this prescription." I handed the slip to the clerk. He looked at me, looked at my chest, then looked at my face again and said, "not for you...?" Me: "no, its for my partner." He asked about drug allergies etc. and said it would be ready in about 10 minutes. I wandered around the tiny pharmacy. After a while I sat on the steps and stared into space. The Pharmacist called out "____ Petersen...?" and looked at me as I got up and walked to the window. He said,(looking at my chest) " _____?..." Me: " No, that's my partner." Pharmacist: "OH, has she taken this before? Me: "No." Pharmacist: "well..." Me: "HE is going to the doctor tomorrow for the first injection." Pharmacist: "Oh, well does he need needles?" Me: "Yes." Pharmacist:" well I can give her some needles, and does she have a sharps container?" Me: "No." Pharmacist: "well I will get her one." Me: (getting icey) "OK." Pharmacist:"Well I am going to give her ten needles, there are about 12 doses in this bottle and the doctor should give her one needle at the first injection, and then here is her sharps container." Me: "OK." GRRR...

Prescription

2008-07-08T12:53:00.000-07:00

I had my appointment last night to get my first prescription. On Wednesday I will learn how to give myself shots and get my first shot. I am nervous and feel sick with anticipation. My partner is now picking up the prescription. It costs $50 for a 5cc. For the first month I will only be taking shots of 50ml so it will last a bit. Next month, I will get my next prescription which will be 10cc and also cost $50 but it will last for 3 months.

My doctor spoke last night about all the changes I will go through. I know of a lot of them but not everything. One thing he said was that my sex drive might go down where as I had only heard of it going up. He also said that mostly people get less anxiety and depression but sometimes people encounter more. Also that I should assume I won't be able to have kids anymore. Oh and that in five years I might have vaginal dryness and have to put estrogen cream on. Scarey... Of course he went over the usual I will get hairier, probably build muscle mass and my voice will deepen. This will take usually around 3 to 6 months. Oh I thought was interesting that my red blood cell count will probably go up. Also redistribution of fat away from my butt and hips and onto my spare tire. I was looking at my body last night (I have NO butt or thighs and I already have a good spare tire.) and thought that I will have to do more sit-ups. Oh and my clit is suppose to grow. I think that is everything he told me.

We went to see the counselor last week and he told me a lot of things I didn't think about. About how I will become more angry and aggressive and how I might not be able to process my emotions as well. Since I have struggled with my anger problem and my inability to deal with my emotions I am hoping that I can continue to use the resources I have found to work on these problem as well as research new ones. He said the way i think will change. A lot of the things i identify with will become stronger like my analytical brain. I think this whole process makes me wonder how much testosterone I had in the first place. My body is about to bleed and I am so happy that I am starting now as I foresee it making it easier even though I will still bleed this month. It is really the estrogen increase that makes me crazy not more than the actual blood. Anyway more soon.

Ducks in a row

2008-06-28T16:58:00.000-07:00

June 28th- As I walk through the valley of the death I fear no evil. Just popped into my head as I sit down to write this entry. I think because it describes the way you have to relate to people when you are transitioning. You never know how people are going to respond. Those that you think will respond the best, will respond the worse. Those that you think will respond the worse, will respond the best. I was very concerned that my best friend wasn’t really getting it so I was very nervous to tell her. But after speaking with her I realized that she more than got it.

I had a party to celebrate this change in my life. It was a blast. I think anyone who is going to transition should do it. My best friend even drove over three hours to come. We had MANly games like a log splitting contest, pull-up contest, and a push-up contest. We also made a cock and balls piñata and broke it open in the front yard. If my neighbors didn’t already think I was crazy, I am sure they do now. One of my neighbors stopped by as the lesbians next door were also having a party and the other lesbians down the street were over there. She asked why the party and I told her because I was going to start T. She got excited and said I had to do a shot of this nice tequila she brought from Mexico and you can’t say no to that.

I am hoping to start T next week but I still haven’t heard back from the clinic about my appointment. But I should have all my ducks in order. I’ve got my Benjamin letter and my blood work. So basically all I need is to do the pap and get the prescription filled. I can’t wait to see how soon my voice changes, or even more exciting is the stopping of the feminine hormone time. It makes me crazy.

I am not sure what to think about the societal concept of man but I know what feels right inside. I am excited to redefine what it mean

What this blog is about

2008-06-28T16:50:00.000-07:00

Hi, this blog is an artistic exploration of a public transformation of a female to male transsexual. It's goal is to help those who haven't experienced living as a transgendered person insight into the struggles and bigotry transpeople have to deal with. It will hopefully also bring insight all the hoops a person who wishes to transition has to jump through. Moreover it will be a place where people can explore why someone would choose to do this which will also help those who are considering a similar process. Lastly it is written by an ftm feminist whose self-hate based on feminist rhetoric of manhating had caused a vicious destructive cycle. In a lot of ways it will be a polemic to the theories which say that men are innately this or that, therefor discussing philosophy on how men can use this privilege to correct problems caused by patriarchy; of course with an awareness of the actuality of passing.

So after that wordy description, let me know if you have any questions or if you want to talk shop.