Thursday, November 10, 2016

Profound

i wanted to write something
profound
as today was a
profound
day

but the reality is that my body aches
i am ready to melt into that
bed
that i speak of so often now
a bed that is more a
home
than the four
walls
that surround me

more of a
home
than the stuff occupying the
space
between these four
walls

i spoke with a friend today
he asked me
what can i do to be more active
more involved in activism

i told him
do you
keep making space for
individuals
who can’t find space
in this world
in the rural
eastern washington
just as he had once done for me
we then spoke of me
moving
back there
to the rural
versus the
urban
i have inhabited for so long

my reasoning
is that i feel that i could
do
so much more work there
then here where i am
lost
in a sea of activism
my organizing skills
lost
in a sea of
egos

back to where
people fight a common enemy
bigotry
instead of fighting
one another

today i wanted to write something
profound
i wanted to be something
profound

so i set down my ego
in a world where your value is
based on how many
likes
your posts gets

i set down my ego
in a world where people
have forgotten
that many disenfranchised
are still
fighting
still fighting for their life

i set down my ego
in a world where people i care about
cut marks into their arms
to relieve the pain
and torment that is their
life

today above all
i set down my
ego
for the person
i use to be
for the girl child
who survived
eastern washington
for the tom boy
who found friends
in the abandoned
haunted
houses

i set down my ego
for the first time i let someone penetrate me
by choice

i set down my ego
for that man child
who was a ho and
had been beaten almost to death
in one of those
haunted houses
of my childhood
by the police
a falsy of safety

twenty years ago
i left
i did not want to look back
i did not want to remember

i survived
what more did the
world
want from me

my face temporarily immortalized
on the cover of  the gay news
my face forgotten after the
horrors
of abuse
from the one who was to love me
the most

my ideas, my thoughts, my soul
stolen
for other’s to
profit off

i lay down my ego
no
that is not right
i lay to rest
under thick dense soil
my ego
because
no one’s ego
ever saved a life
no one’s ego ever consoled a friend
when they spoke of having their face smashed in
when they spoke about having their sense of self crushed
when they spoke to the emotional and mental abuse
that almost took their lives

today we mourned
today we watched a country
ruled by an electoral college
choose bigotry
today we had to face
the face of america
and we were scared
we were angry
and we were righteous

but how many of us can say
we were humble
how many of us can say
we cared enough
we had enough strength
we had enough spirit
to dispose of our egos
to care about those in our community
with whom we are estranged

how many of us can say we
care
about the stranger on the street
the one with the drug addiction
the alcoholism
the pain that drives so deep
that it drowns us

care
in the way that burns into your soul
care
that makes you look deep into that person’s eyes
and admit you are helpless
admit that you cannot take away their pain
admit you cannot make their lives better
admit you are helpless
because that dollar in your pocket
it actually already belongs to someone else
admit that we all live on borrowed
time

egos don’t let people
care
like that
egos
fix
egos
blame
egos never
care

today we mourned
we looked for someone to blame
we looked for a solution to fix this problem
and there was no one
only ourselves
looking in the mirror

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