Sunday, May 24, 2015

the words i do not know

i don’t like you better any which way.
i just like you.
i do not care what is in your pants.
it is not your gender, mija.

i hate that i have to filter life through my friends.
they use the words
jealousy
and
rejection
i do not know what these words mean.

i know
abandonment

they tell me that there is subtext.
i do not understand subtext.

i only understand being abandoned.

sometimes my heart lacks beat
from the crushing pain
it endures

i sit and tears stream down my face
i wish with all my might that i were
anything
anyone
other than who i am

why do i not have a man’s body
why do i not have a woman’s body
why do i constantly fight against devastating poverty
why am i not enough for you
all the yous of the world

in the wake of your bandon.
i am belittled
indignant
defiant

alone

the cavity
you left behind

it fills up my lungs
it is the nothing
enveloping

soon my eyes runs dry
soon i am the nothing

Sunday, May 17, 2015

porcupine love

Porcupines have soft hair
the quills they are so known for are mixed into this soft hair
and only come out when they feel threatened

my ex, the ex use to call me a porcupine
they never did realize that i was mostly covered in very soft hair

i am sure that people see me as reactive
emotional
chaotic

what they do not see is all the scars
that have made me this way
it is not possible for someone to hold this much pain
and still stay soft and gentle

adaption is one of the key traits for mammals
humans
most species
adapt to survive

the porcupine grows needles
that hook into the flesh of its attacker

survivors grow into porcupines
and still have soft hair underneath
for those who have a soft touch
for those who can weather the crazy

mirage (heart series)

my heart has been shattered
fragmented
until it became dust

i see love
so close
yet so unreachable
a desert mirage
a reflection in the water

a big neon sign saying
not for you

why would you restart my heart motor if you were just going to leave

they always leave
they say
you
you will not conform

they say
you
you will not change to be the person i want

so they leave before it even begins
they leave
always they leave
before it even begins

my mechanical broken heart
cannot stand the strain
restarted emotions pumping to then be left
without fuel
starving
cold
aloof

it hurts to see your face turn away
it is agnoizing to be ignored
it hurts to see your face turn away
they always leave
before it even begins