Wednesday, March 12, 2014

I write

I write to run away from my heart
I write to be free from the confines of myself
to release that which confines me
to find that which is hidden

I write words that I have never said
and words I have said
I write to past and future lovers
I find solace

I find new awakenings
I find old truths

I find you 
and I find

I write about yesterday and 
I write
for my sanity

Tuesday, March 11, 2014


I can't think about you right now
why won't you leave me alone already
I have to write this paper
I have to wash my hair

I see you call and texting
I see you not calling, not texting
but I can't be bothered
to pay attention to my heart right now
don't you know how much work I have to do 
before the end of the quarter

look your cute and all
but what is in it for me
you whisper promises of 
taking away my loneliness
but surely you will also leave
they always do
why would you be any different?

You just want me to fill that hole of 
who you could be
you want me t tell you that you are great
that is all

you want me to stroke your cock.
but what about my blue balls
what about my ego needs
why do I always have to be

I want to be your main course
I want to be the center of your attention
I want you to prove to me
that you will love me forever
I want to never doubt you

but all I have is my doubt

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Dear Heart

Please come home.
I miss you.

There is a shallow pit
in my chest
where you belong.

I want to hold you in my arms
I want to kiss your forehead
your lips
your check
your neck

I want to see your smile
and your checks rouse
as the sun floods your room

I want to take pictures of you
as you turn away from
the attention
but have no where to run to
no where to hide

I want to hold your hands 
as we walk in public
at night
I want to protect you
from violence
the bashing
I don't want you to be

I want to love you
and I want you to love me

I want to have met you at a different time
when I was different
when you were different
when the world was different

When you hurt me
I wanted to be able to explain 

I wanted you to know that I still
I want you to know that I still
love you 

I want to write you love poems
and bring you flowers

I want to make you dinner
and go traveling
explore the wilderness

I want to see your morning face
I want to sleep in those arms

I want to know 
if you have an empty crevice
in your chest
where I am suppose to be

Guest qtPoC CAFAB Post

A person I care about wanted to have their words in the virtual world but were concerned about the impact it would have on them due to the controversial nature of their feelings. I believe controversy is usually the result of a challenge to a system of oppression. Other than that I am not putting any of my own commentary on these words because I do not have a stance atm. I do believe that they should have a chance to be heard so I am posting them here. So please no need for hate mail or any bullying as I am just a neutral party in this. Just as this is a written response that doesn't point any fingers and only talks about systems of oppression, if you feel a need to respond, writing your own article that does not point any fingers and deconstructs systems of oppression would be an appropriate way to respond. I believe personal attacks are patriarchal and I won't tolerate them. These are my guidelines and any comments outside of these guidelines will not be published. I have the right to not publish comments as I see fit or take down this post if I feel as though I am being cyber bullied or for any other reason. Do not use any of the verbage of this post out of context and/or in association with my name. Actually just don't use any of it. That is not your right. This person has a right to speak about their oppression without being attacked. The fact that they are afraid to post it under their name makes me have all the feelings so please don't prove to me that they were right about the Trans community.

TW all of them pretty much. Esp rape as colonization. 

Today is International Women's Day and I am left with the words of Soujourner Truth on my mind. Ain't I a women. When I accepted my masculinity, when I accepted my Trans body I was told that I would have to leave women behind. And I tried to but is not the definition of women- not man. Is that not why 2nd wave feminist tried to change the spelling to womyn, an othering that comes from separatism in hope of freedom, of rights. I am not man. My body is not mine. My past lives in my cells, in my neurons. Men still look at my body as something that is theirs to touch however they like. I still deal with lateral oppression from women. I am still spoken to like a women by men (and women) who know my Trans status. The misogyny that I constantly face begs me to scream... but aint I a women. But that is a label I was required to leave behind when I shone my hair, because women can't have short hair; when I allowed my body hair to grow, because women cannot be hairy; when I decided that being butch was more comfortable then trying to cram myself into the box called women.

I took on that privilege of man and always leveraged it to give voice to women and anyone who has been disenfranchised. I have taught myself to be strong and unbreaking like men are suppose to be. But I fail constantly. I fail at being a man as much as I failed at being a women. Oh but people tell me, you pass so well. They say “You have pass privilege.” and I try to take on that privilege but I don't know how because I was never trained to. I was never trained to be a man. Furthermore this is not something you would say to an CAMAB genderqueer, oh you pass as a man so therefore you need to own that you are misogynistic (because this logic doesn't even make sense in either of our cases.) Additionally, I was trained to be submissive. So when another person shames me using power over language, I react in the way I was trained to and by dismissing my anger and my ability to stand up for myself is misogyny. I am not capable of dealing with the cognitive dissonance.

People throw around the word misogyny and Transmisogyny to gatekeep but misogyny is a system that affects everyone who is not man. Trans people of all configurations can still get raped and sufer from the abuses of male privilege in our society. It is fucked up to enforce the image of abuser on individuals who were most likely abused at some point in their lives and probably victims of sexually assault and incest. It really makes me question who in our community gets the power and what systems they are reinforcing. I don't think that this questioning is any more misogynistic than denying my lived experiences by upholding the patriarchal polarism that classifies man and not man.

Just like any other marginalized group we have a right to be angry. We have a right to be heard. And we don't have a right to be assholes. If CAFAB folks are being misogynistic pigs then yes they should get called out on it. So should a butch lesbian or anyone of any gender or any gender presentation including Trans women.

My point is the way the Queer community gangs up on Trans guys has got to stop. It is fucking people's shit up. It is reinforcing the misogyny that we should be uniting to fight against. It is reinforcing that CAFAB folks shouldn't have a voice. That they don't know what they are talking about. That they should be spoken down to. That they need to be told how to be and what to think. That their lived experience means nothing. I watched a bunch of White Trans Women gang up on a Black Trans Man in a Twitter battle on christmas because he was asking for equal consideration. A concept that Trans Women demand from Trans Men or else we are as bad as rad scum (TERFs). Basically we are told this is mine you cannot have any but also I want some of all of your. That is very patriarchal. I know this article, this paragraph is going to have me crucified but I am a feminist and this is what feminists do. Look I hate rad scum. They are an obnoxious and violent cult. I believe people's identities are whatever they tell me they are. I also don't think that any identity gives anyone a get out of jail free card. And I think it is pretty fucked up when an identity group as a whole commits lateral oppression against another marginalized group. I don't care if the first Trans guy you met was a pig. I don't care if they all have been. It is still a stereotype and when used to oppress and silence it becomes violence. When I hear Trans women using language identical to that I see TERFs using I have to question this road we are going down especially when it is a White Trans Women against a Trans Man of Color. I don't think that White Trans Women should be leveraging the deaths of Trans Women of Color to grab at power and silence other people in the community especially when it is against qtPoCs. Women of Color know that our bodies have been the battle field of colonization for centuries. I refuse to turn my back on that history which has been raped into my body and the bodies of my ancestors.

If anything I want to assume that my Trans CAMAB sisters know what it feels like to be told that you are a man when you are not. I do not understand why they are the ones who are most likely to force me into that box. I have friends who are CAMAB who are women but do not think trying to pass is going to work out for them. Same with CAFAB, yes even femme CAFAB are still whatever gender they identify within themselves even (or especially) if that identity is different than their outward presentation. The rest of this is a performance. The way you look on the outside does not always describe your culture and identity. Should I try not to pass in order to be judge not-man by you? How should I do that? How should I do that when I was seen as a man without trying, pre-T? My voice will always be deep and it would be disingenuous to speak any different. So do NOT tell me that I am man. Do NOT tell me I have no right to speak about feminism. Do NOT tell me that I don't have a right to be angry. Do NOT play Oppression Olympics with me.

I was raised in feminism. It is the strongest part of my identity. I am now Trans and I want a Trans Feminism that addresses the misogyny that my Trans body, my Trans person faces. But I won't fight you for it. I won't play power games. I won't shame anyone. I will definitely not cyber bully anyone. I will NOT fit into a box that someone else is defining for me. So I think this means that I am not Trans because I refuse to fit into that box that you have defined that does not leave room for my definition nor my experiences. The words I use when someone of any gender, of any race decides to do this to me is patriarch, colonizer. And I will not stand down against this type of violence, no matter whose hand it comes from.