Sunday, April 28, 2013

We all die (Day 6)

We all die.
Attachment means suffering.
I could spend my time with privilege idiots who are happy because they know no struggle.
But I don't
I won't
I spend my time with people
Neck deep
In the struggles of the world

I have dedicated my life
To being a tool
To end others suffering
So people see me as less
I am too nice
Too helpful
I let my geek flag fly

I can do this because
everything
is always
taken away
Everything I love
Everything I want
I can hold it for a minute
Then it gets taken away
It'd be easier if it was
always denied

In these moments I wonder
What is the purpose of life
Why not die?

So I decided to become a tool.
I promised Stephen
that I would not die
I told him I would live;
I would live a life
he would be proud of.
I can never replace the life
he was denied.
But I can try.
I know he is watching me
Smash the patriarchy
Smash the oligarchy
and he is proud.

When I tried to die
I know he stopped me
I know because I don't
remember.
I remember being ready for it.
For it all to be over.
And then I was on the phone
getting help.
I don't know how much time passed.

This is why I didn't take
my best dog friend
when I left.
Who would take care of her
if I was dead?
This is why I lost
that which I loved the most
in this world.
Maybe that is why they took her
They knew I always loved her more
than I could ever love their cruel heart.

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