Saturday, March 30, 2013

It's beautiful here again!

Notes to friends Series:
It is beautiful here again today. I had planned to go to the garden & run errands. But I still can't deal with humans atm. How violent seems innate to human nature. Trying to be okay with the knowing that I will have to fight to exist every day, for the rest of my life. To abandon this notion that someday it'll get better, easier, less frightening. & to also know that some day that spitfire of a passion I have will come back & I will not meekly run away as soon as someone starts pushing me around. To not hold shame for having panic attacks, for running away from a bully. & to find the power to confront a bully, name the hurt they caused & ask for vindication & validation. To know that I deserve it. It's hard bc I know so many of these things in my head. The words you sent me earlier this week, I know these things. In the same way I knew I was in an abusive relationship. The same way I knew I needed to leave but couldn't. I know I need to live & maybe it is the promise I made to Stephen after he died that had truly kept me alive bc some days none of the words matter. Some days I just want the pain & fear to stop for a moment. I want to believe that there is something out there other than what I have been given thus far in life, that I will find love. But mostly I don't believe in any of it anymore & I struggle to find reasons why I should continue to live a life which has been wrought with pain. Maybe we have grown apart bc I don't want to look in the mirror. I don't want to see my face reflecting back at me. I want a new face. Just like any relationship, if there is no me to bring to the table then there is nothing to build from. I am working hard to find my face & I look fwd to rebuilding with you when I do.

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