Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Trigger Warning : Suicide

I don't know when I write something on here that doesn't have a trigger warning but here is something I wrote on a chat group about suicide and I thought it might be good to share...

the rant I wrote on here a few days ago was accompanied by a pretty bad cycle. I laid in bed curled in a ball until I finally fell asleep. I felt so ashamed of myself for not being Neurotypical  I felt so ashamed for not getting things the way others do. For not being able to say words that make sense to anyone. This shame led to the thoughts of I'd be better off dead. I am worthless as a human being... etc. 

I counter these moments by using logic against myself. I might be different than most people but why does that make me a bad person? Why am I a bad person for not understanding the games people play with each other? 

Then I think that I can like myself... that I can be whomever I choose to be and that can be someone I like. Then once I am pretty solid in ok I like myself, fuck the NT world. Then I start thinking about all my amazing friends. I think: they love me, just the way I am and I think they are amazing so I really can't be that horrible. Usually by the time I get here I realize that its not me, its the world. Its the bullies, the people who never learned to overcome their pain and they are jealous that I have. They can't stand to see me constantly being beaten down but still standing proud even with a metaphorical bloody lip and black eye. Then I can usually get myself angry. I'll tell myself, fuck them and their games and bullying and trying to drag me down just to make themselves look better. 

moreover, this is the hardest because it is in a time you most need help; you most need people to reach out to you; you most need people to tell you they love you and they think you are great and you can't ask for it. Instead you withdraw, don't respond to text. Don't log on to the social networks. etc. 

I think a lot of this comes from the stigmatization around being suicidal. I am afraid to tell people. I think they will think less of me. or even worse think I am a burden. So I usually don't say anything, just shut off from the world. Or worse stay active in the world with this fake smile and jokes while inside I am sobbing uncontrollably. Its really rough. I know.

Mostly I wish there was more education for allies of folks who are suicidal. Like hey if you haven't heard from me in a regularly allotted time then you should reach out to me. and stuff. 

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