Saturday, February 23, 2013

hopeless traspie

I lost another friend recently because they were warned about me by my abusive ex. This is the second one in a short amount of time. Putting me into a pretty intense self-hatred cycle. I am not sure why people go around warning people and talking trash about people. I mean I do, I work in the interpersonal violence field so I get the logic of saving face, ruin the other before they expose your truths kind of shit abuser do... but I just don't get it on my heart level.

I went to a presentation from someone else who had aspergers and he said that if they could change his brain so that he no longer had it then he would. At first, having recently learned I was an aspie and in generally learning to be proud of differences I was like fuck that shit! So I am different but I have all these wonderful traits as well.

Now that it has been about a year or so I have been processing this and realizing how much I put the mute button on, how much I avoid social situations and seeing myself avoid conflict more and more which also means I am standing up for myself less and less.... just so that people don't go around saying that I am "crazy" and that I am a "bad" person.

I know I am not a bad person. I spend a substantial amount of time working on being a better person. I work on non-violent communication to mitigate any affects my aspie dialect might have on others. I still mess up and say thing that hurt others without realizing it. I am still working on being more out about having aspergers so that people take stuff I say with a grain of salt/ work with me on it. I work really fucking hard all the time.

And right now like that video that was posted earlier, I can't see myself as lovable. I can't imagine being able to be in a relationship again. I am so totally freaked out by how much abuse I just took from my ex; just to access something that was being called love. I don't trust myself to take care of myself in a relationship. So for awhile I tried to date and I would just reject anyone for really any reason. I could be intimate. I would try but I would just shut down. Then the people I tried to date shamed me for it.  I am so lonely. Its been two years. It seems so long like I should be over this now. But I am not.

Then this stupid mind-blindness of aspies means that I can't tell if someone likes me or not. I start liking someone and I think they might like me too then I am like nah I am just doing that mind-blindness projection. Then I get super awkward and basically stop talking to them which probably makes them think I don't like them.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I am feeling hopeless. sigh.

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