Friday, October 25, 2013

the Flavor (TW:rape)

I don't know how to have sex.

I know how to be raped.
I know how to lay there and disassociate.
I know how to numb the body,
to not have any sensation.

I know how to fuck someone.
I know how to find that special place
with
my hands.
my mouth.
my tongue.
I know how to make someone's back arch.
and how to make moans come out of someone's mouth.

I know how to masturbate.
I know how to touch my body
just right.
when I am drunk.

But I don't know how to have sex.
I don't know how to let someone touch my body.
I don't know how to make love.
I don't even know how to be fucked.

I don't know
how
I have almost come to being 35
and
I still don't know
what it feels like
to enjoy the love from another person.

Once 20 years ago for a brief moment,
someone showed me this.
A taste of what love could be.

A flavor I want again in my mouth.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

to my heart

and in that moment I want to shout at him, 'What do you want from me? Do you want me to tell you that I have always loved you and I always will and that I am deeply in love with you? And that I don't feel like I can be with you because you are so mean to me; because you act like you can't see me as a whole person. Should I tell you how talking to you rips my heart to pieces? How I miss your arms? How I have never slept as well as sleeping next to you? How no one turns me on as much as you? How I love your heart and mind? And if I told you all this, if I told you I loved you, then what?

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Waldo

I keep looking at my phone
like it will tell me some answer
that it will give me some feeling
but instead
it just stares back at me
empty
vacant
like my eyes

one could see volumes
novels
in my eyes

one could get lost
in my chaos

am I lost
or am I found?
in my chaos

can you see me?
find waldo.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

loneliness

loneliness feels like a dry lump in my throat that i can't seem to swallow.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Those words that have no voice.

Those words that have no voice.

One starts with an N. I don't even know what it would sound like to say it. Sometimes I hear the voices of some of my favorite rappers say it as their rhymes replay in my head but even when I am singing along there is a mute button that hits. I never even realized I did this until I got into a discussion about it with this white guy where he tried to play that card. This word to me means strange fruit hanging from a tree. It means colonialization. It means pain and anger and so much more that I can't describe in words. Every time I hear that word from the lips of a white person, I hear the voice of white supremacy. I hear white people telling black people that they are still less than, still property. It is a word that has no voice, haters must give it a voice.

Its like faggot. A word I can give a voice. A voice that is different than the voice from the man in the car speeding by. I like the word faggot because it means I am a gender fucker, I fuck with gender. I can be butch as fuck and still be a total faggot at the same time. I think some would argue that anyone putting a positive spin to a word would be doing good but this is simply not true. Due to the power relations, anyone who isn't black using the n bomb can't change the voice of colonization. Same with anyone who is not a male homosexual using the word faggot.

Replace this with any word said in hate. Why would anyone use a hateful word that harms people? What right do they think they have? This is superiority. This is supremacy. This is the perpetuation of generations of colonization. People don't even realize they are perpetuating it. Allowing white supremacy, heterosexual supremacy, male supremacy, cis supremacy, able body supremacy, neurotypical supremacy, any supremacy to cause rifs between possible allies. to stop the masses from revolting. in order to have a revolution, we must stop fighting to control one another. We must check our egos at the door. We must leave our supremacy behind. Its not about being PC, its about giving a shit. wanting the world to be a better place. its about anarchism. its about living. colonialism is death. I choose life.

Monday, August 19, 2013

why run from love?

why run from love?
night whisper.
you eat my heart
as you are
a starving
beast.

hiding
under my eyelids
insuring
i get no sleep

you could so
easily
remove this pain
take me in your arms
cradle my love

am i not
vacuum packed
television romance?
am i not
accessory material?
do my lips speak
too freely?

the rhythm of my heart
has become a bass line
wallowing in the reverb
of a low B

I have given up on it.
I let the sound die out.
the lyrics fall to silent lips.
the song dies.
a blasphemy to lover everywhere.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

PSA: Survivors- going out

PSA: {Survivors- going out} this conversation has been coming up recently so I am doing another PSA. Survivors often can't go places that might be triggering. This doesn't mean they don't want to go. Sometimes they can; sometimes they can't. Its too complicate to explain the why here. My points are: 1. don't take it personally, its about them not you. 2. don't shame them, they can't do anything about. 3. Keep inviting them out to things, give them space to come or not. 4. If they want you to contact them day of, do it bc it might help them feel safer to know you want them there and you'll be there for them and won't abandon them 5. Let them know you still like them whether they go out or not. 6. help make sure they have options to leave if they get triggered 7. know that (& let them know that) they are still a great person whether they go out or not. 8. know this list isn't comprehensive, ask them what they need and how you can best support them. *feel free to add to the list in comments section.

Monday, June 10, 2013

if i cry

if i cry
will you come find me
if the waterfalls flows
will you come hold me
if i admit i cry
will you tell me its going to be okay

if i tell you, you are...
will you kiss my lips
will you kiss my tears
will you kiss away all this pain

Friday, June 7, 2013

healthy poly relationships FTW!

I think I am officially in two relationships now; I am not really sure though as I will explain. This is interesting mostly because they feel healthy. Its not some kind of overwhelming your are my soul mate fantasy love. No its just two individuals who enjoy each other, spending time together, making out. The not sure if its a relationship part comes from, what is a relationship? How are these relationships any different than other relationships? Why does sex change things? So, I don't think I am actually in any relationships in the traditional sense. More I just hang out with folks that I like to be around and sometimes we make out and have sex. This is exactly what I asked for. It is odd because I miss that feeling, that rush that being in love brings but I think I am just not made for that type of love. I don't know. I could totally change my mind about this tomorrow after meeting 'the one'...

Mostly I feel like that part of me that has been asleep and dormant for so long is finally waking up and saying, ha shouting, I do really like sex. Years of having sex positive friends and being ashamed at my own inability to connect with people sexually. Years of telling people that I was actually sex positive even though I didn't show it. Years of doing sex positive talks. Years of identifying with sluts but never being able to claim that title/identity. I'm final unlearning all that negative shit that was put on me. I say fuck you to my ex. Fuck you to everyone who stigmatizes. So I am a carrier of oral herpes aka cold sores, as is most of the population. So we don't really know much about it or how it is transferred. I am over being afraid of "catching" some "disease". I am over feeling like I need to be 110% on the safer sex methodology. Harm reduction is a great thing. I can do my best and be okay with not being perfect. You never know I might come down with cancer tomorrow and then what... how many missed opportunities? how many people would I never be able to make out with or have sex with again? I mean how many opportunities did I miss already?

One of my new friends is really into non-violent communication. This is great because we communicate really well. It is refreshing to just have this open communication. I am not afraid to say something wrong or to be misunderstood. I am feeling really good about all this.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

watching

you

you are the one whose smile is not quite complete
except when you are around me

in pictures there is a forced
curving of the lips
showing of the teeth

but I have seen your smile
that deep smile

it starts in your heart
a smile you can't hide
that spreads across your face

that is the smile
that is for me

this is my type
that makes my heart 
leap into my throat

you are shy, quiet
awkward
intelligent
nerdy
rough around the edges

you are a wallflower
you 
watch
me

I watch you watching me
I sense you watching me
I can taste your heart 
as it yearns
as it wants

as it is afraid to ask
to state these desires

I have machismo for days
it comes out my ears
as my loud mouth
echos through the canyons

I know it makes you wonder
wonder why
if I am so gregarious
why do I look like 
a deer in headlights 
whenever we talk

Because love,
you only notice me
when I am loud
you don't realize how much I am 
there on the wall next to you
watching


Wednesday, May 22, 2013

go away

go away
no please don't
don't go away
i'm sorry

i just
i just
i just
need

a
little
sumthin

poster boy
we couldn't find
a picture
without
you
in it.

this
this heart
its been done played

it plays
a sad song
a beautiful
sad song

full of sharps
and crescendos

do you like
the sound you make
when you play
my heart

Pre-amble day?

Pre-amble day?
sorry i failed at the month commitment. traveling and conference and school and work and well. i have a lot to upload but it might take a hot second to find the time. i'll back track some pieces that i wrote on the road & couldn't upload. but for now here is the piece for today.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Jeez

Jeez... I have the biggest hard on right now, it's ridic. Good thing no one can see it. I think it might have to do with talking with hot trans*/genderqueers about geeky smart medical sex stuff.  And possibly just getting my shot. I just want to put everything in my mouth.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Come close (Day 24)

Come into my arms.
Come close
I don't want you to get burnt.

Come close
to my cold stone heart
Careful it has cracked
Split open

Burned a hole
through my shoulder blades
Severed flesh and muscle

Wings of fire
A volcano
erupting through my back

Come close
I don't want you to get burnt.
Come close
lets fly away together.
through the rainbow
Come close
where they wings of fire
will protect you.

Take my hand (Day 23)

My heart
is full
of love
and people
so many
amazing
people.

I struggle
to find
why

why I feel
so alone

Surrounded
in a sea
of love
and support
and friends

They are my
floatation device
They are what
has kept me
alive.

They are my
emergency room
keeping my heart
pumping
blood flowing

They are my
sodium
triggered
neurons

I am nothing
nothing
without them
less than nothing
I am dead.

Blood gushing
covering the floor
drowning my lungs
color draining from skin
no more synapse firing

Am I greedy
to want more
to not be satisfied

I want more
than to just be
alive.
I want to
thrive.
I want to
know
love again.
I want to
breathe
in rich
air
flavored
with
evergreens
moss
fungi
&
dirt

I want
to stare into
the face of
the enemy
and have
no fear

I want
to watch
the dust
of civilization
to fall at my feet.

I want
to build a
new world.

Take my hand
and let's make it
happen.

Day 23 pre-ramble

Sorry this is late. I was stuck at school trying to finish stuff up before I run off tomorrow to Oakland for the NATIONAL TRANS HEALTH SUMMIT!!! **finger sparkles!!!

But srsly I am so nervous. I shouldn't be at this point I have been to enough of these things. So I'll hopefully be posting stuff from that as well. Stay tuned. & hopefully y'all enjoy today's piece. I don't have much to say about it. The battle against radscum in my town has been victorious!!! So I am feeling like I can take on anything! Fleeting feeling I am sure.

Also this is the 23rd day, I started on the 23rd & I'll end on the 23rd. There must be something awesome here but idk what.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Yo soy trillado (Day 22)


my eye are leaking again today.
I think they no not the harm they cause.
it is better than thinking they don’t care.

I wrote you, mij@ a sweet love poem
but I don’t even have the strength to post it.
Yo soy guasón
posting love poems to someone
who is not mi corazon.
Yo soy trillado.

The world has dragged me through the gutters for far too long.
My face
my body
scarred
from years of mistreatment

my friends wonder why I try
but they don’t know the individuals
that propagate within my community
We are small
we believe in solidarity
we believe in each other.
we lend each other strength to
fight
the battle
which is our daily life.

those who have not fought
who do not battle everyday to stay alive.

if I end it
if I make my existence
no more

please tell the world
it was ism
ism killed me
along with
ableism
cissexism.
they should be treated
as the murders they are.

take all the isms to court
for the countless murders
they have committed

against us
against me

Tomorrow
I will not stand alone.
we will stand together
we will not back down

We are bigger than ism.
We might be small as individuals
but together we make a whole
that no one can tear down.



Monday, May 13, 2013

Day 21 post rant

After a day spent with radscum that's all I got for you. I wish I was writing about love or some other warm and fuzzy shit but not in this reality. In this reality, all there is is war and either your fighting with me or your not and I just don't have time. I am not cold hearted, I am a lover who has been taught to fight. Life is cruel time to move on.

Radscum (Day 21)

So angry
Can't even write

Why should I bother
Why should I try
To reclaim a community
It's not mine
It is against me
It's violence
Towards me never stops.

My rage grows
My wolf howls
Fangs sharpened
I am your
Whipping boy
No more

I will eat you
For breakfast
You will be
My appetizer
To life

I am alive
You are less than
Human
I would wish you
Death but
That is to
Easy
For you
Radscum

I hate you
I hate you with
A passion
So deep
So intense
Because you
Are so fucking
Violent
So violent
To my community
I fucking kill you
To save my own

I spit on you
I will throw
Whatever I like
at you
You are not even
worth my hate

Please
Troll me
Just so I can
Vent
This anger

I am so done
So done
With
So called
Community

Tomorrow
I will rise
To fight again
And yes
You are either with me
Or your not
& I don't have time for you

What Transmisogyny Looks Like | The Bilerico Project

http://www.bilerico.com/2009/03/what_transmisogyny_looks_like.php?fb_action_ids=137675383091566&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%7B%22137675383091566%22%3A395631961033%7D&action_type_map=%7B%22137675383091566%22%3A%22og.likes%22%7D&action_ref_map=%5B%5D


:Smitty

30+ Examples of Cisgender Privileges

http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2011/11/list-of-cisgender-privileges/

Sunday, May 12, 2013

go for some smut (Day 20)

I am running a fever. In May. Idk. Wtf. So here is something I wrote on day 2 & didn't publish. It's incomplete but hopefully you'll enjoy. I mean who doesn't like smut?

PS- TW: Smut aka I talk about sex & people's body parts.

Second day, go for some smut
Aka does it count as sex if you aren't touching them and you don't get off? Aka TMI.

The last time I got someone off, he was across the country & I started sexting with him. I made him tell me his fantasy of what would happen if I was there. Then i improvised with him the scene as we went along. It was hot. I set it up so I was making him masturbate while I was watching & he was masturbating with a cock in real life and then I was making him tell me how it felt. It's was great, these delayed texts... then the "omg, I'm going to cum" text that took forever. And then forever until the next awkward...
Um, hi. Such a cute boi. Sigh. If we didn't live across the country from each other.

The one before that, I was dating this beautiful guy. Super intelligent as well. All he owned was books and bikes. All he wanted was sex but see I am the slut that likes to say no. I think it's hot. It turns me on to say no. Imo, we never actually had sex together. I never got off but he did. Bad boundaries at this time in my life so I got drunk so I could get physical. Idk, you do what you gotta do. Don't be judging, i am sure you got skeletons. shit at least i have the balls to put them on the table.

You know what is really hot? Saying no and having it be okay for as long as it takes...
that's fucking the hottest shit ever but this was still pretty hot!

So we start making out and I think he tries to put his hand down my pants and stopped him so he put my hand down his pants and I let him. I started massaging his cock. Then I licked it from the bottom to the tip and flicked it, yeah right in that perfect place. I did this a few times, then started massaging it again, slowly. Then he was like "you are too gentle."

"Oh," I replied, "then you should show me how it's done. Give me a show." He realized he had never done that before which turned him on immensely and immediately. Then he jerked off while I sat on his legs and watched. It was pretty hot. He would get into it and close his eyes then realize and open them and watch me watching him then fap harder and then close his eyes then snap them open and fully watch me watching him. Until he jizzed all over. The end.

I think this needs to be in comic format. I need more time.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Cookie (Day 19)

Days turn to minutes turn to hours
There is no logical order
The world has no yes and no no

I watch my people dying
Helpless
I work on finding order
Order in chaos
Chaos in order

We are all trapped in this system
Looking for a way out
An escape from this island
Of capitalism

So the sheep turn on the TV.
Talk about inconsequential

I talk about ideologies
I make plans for systematic
Deconstruction

The sheep become bullies
They don't want to be reminded
Of their own apathy
They want me to become part of the
Herd
I refuse

Sometimes
They talk the talk
But can't seem
Internalize
I listen to their talk
As they explain how they will
liberate me.

And at the end
I say
Here's your fucking cookie
Now go away.

Day 18 post ramble

I had a typo last night but I got it out by the deadline. Ha. I didn't notice the typo until today. Boom was suppose to be book. Which if you know the book I am referencing it was probably obvious. I also realized I make a lot of reference to children's books. I wonder if people get the references or not.

I'd love to hear more feedback from folks so here is a reminder that you can leave anon comments & I have to approve them so if you want to comment and not have it published just say that & I won't post it.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Three minutes (Day 18)

Three minutes
To spill my heart
Three minutes
To compose
My thoughts
Can I do it?
Can I make the words come again to my mouth?

Two minutes
To complete this poem
And send it along it's way
Two minutes
To pull the thorn from my side
Letting it all bleed out
Ink onto the paper

One minute
It's like the monster
At the end of the book
One minute
That monster is me.
Midnight I turn to dust.

just a sec

Sorry I didn't post anything yesterday. I had no words. I still have no words. I made it like half the month. I have something for today but it is going to take a hot minute.

***update, I went back and posted what I did write yesterday bc that is what I said I would do even if it makes me feel weird so there you go.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Don't die (Day 17)


are you broken like me?

they say:
Don't die.
And I won't die.
And we can be here for each other.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Day 16 Pre-ramble

I have feelings about publishing Open Heart Surgery but its what I got for today and I think technically it is good. I am not sure I would be happy with anything I write today.

Open Heart Surgery (Day 16)

Let it go.
it hurts.
Let it go.
...
Let it go.
it hurts.

I can feel
the muscles
in my chest.
They are tight.
lumpy.
it hurts.

I want to believe.
I want a ray of hope.
of sunshine.
I want to believe.
that love exists.
that I am lovable.

I want to dream.
of a decolonized utopia.
where power is not
asserted over others.

I want this
loneliness
to go away.
this
trapped
in my skin.

It makes me feel
sick.

The monsters
keep trying to
eat me.
I claw at
my own skin
trying
to get
away
from them.
they are
part of me.

Coping mechanisms.

It was once
how I coped
with parties.
people
large groups of people.
I'd just get drunk.
Mostly worked.

Since I left
the abuse
Since I walk away
from that life.
I try to chill out on
the heavy drinking.
I don't go to parties
anymore.
I try to only drink beer.
I don't drink much
anymore
if you don't count
the last two weeks.

This makes
relations
more
difficult.
Social lubrication
is very useful!
I only realized
a year ago
that there was
a name
for people like me.
But I still fear
the word,
the label.
I still haven't
went to
the specialist.
Do they ever help?

I am
just
going
to go
climb
under
a rock
now.

I am going to
teach myself
how to
stop
feeling
again.

I am going to
erase
the power
seeing you
has over me.
or should I say
my cock
has over me.
Because
sometimes
you see someone
and nature
takes over.
sometimes
you loose all
rational.

I want to
make this
general
but you
are not
general.
You are
anything
but
general.

I look at you
and think
damn
why are they
so
fucking
attractive?
I get flustered
can't concentrate.
It pisses me off.
Seriously!
No one
should hold
such power
over me.

No one
should be
allowed
to be that
attractive.

Seriously.
Fuck you.
Seriously
I really want to
fuck you.

and I don't
understand
why I can't
control
this desire.
It is
out of character
and
scary.

My alpha wolf
howls
in my core.
Pushing me on.
My animal instinct.

Be normal.
You got this
just be normal.
Like a fucking
temple
in my head.
I am a monk
mastering suffering.

I am never
normal
around you.

And this
this fucking poem.
It wasn't going to be
about you.
But here I am
again.

Attempting
open heart surgery.

Letting your words
ring through my head.
I get it.
No one has time for me.
No one has ever had time for me.
Unless they want something.
Unless they want me to be a token.
A thing to wear.
Not me.
No one has time for me.
They want to watch me on stage
so they can have a cathartic moment.
They want to talk me and then
tell me I am a good listener.
Anything but see me as a person,
as a human,
as a me.
I am not a me.
I am not anything.

So my chant changes
to help me realize
that
I am
not
lovable.
I am
a monster.
No one
loves
monsters.

I am
not
lovable.
I am
a monster.
No one
loves
monsters.

I am
not
lovable.
I am
a monster.
No one
loves
monsters.