Tuesday, April 24, 2012

sometimes i lay awake

sometimes i lay awake
fighting with the demons in my head
they say such horrible things
I try to make them shut up
but they will not listen

i hide in my chaos
in my words
in my clutter
i hide behind all this that i do
because i am afraid
for you to see
how broken i am

those demons
they have me convinced
that you won't like me

its spring
that's whats happening
it couldn't possibly be
that i have value
i cannot be attractive
nor smart
nor funny
nor any of those other qualities
that people look for

i am only broken
no one wants
something broken

i have only known
being tossed aside
why would now be any different

i am not sad
i am not looking for pity
i am just stating facts
like a newspaper article

these demons
they are the gaslighting
they are why i set down hope
& turn the other way
from my heart

my heart is untrustable
it wants
it needs
it sees your face
and starts beating harder

it doesn't know
that i am unlovable
it doesn't know
that i am broken
it doesn't know
that my face & body
are wrong
it doesn't know
i am wrong

it only knows
it wants to be closer to you
it only knows
that it wants to taste
your kiss
your orgasm
it only knows
of desire
of longing
it only knows
the thought of
your skin on mine
of your heart
beating with mine

can love concur demons?

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