Tuesday, April 19, 2011

the name of the song was...

You probably don't want to read this. You probably want to avoid reading this at all costs. Last chance if you read this you might have to see how ugly the world is.

I forgot the name of the song as it played through my head.
the words were gone like a drunk father.

I found the rhythm in the tiny space between the floor and my bed.
and under the covers, under the clothes in my closet.

The tune plays again and again but I feel it is sorely missing
the lyrics, the words that give it meaning, context.

My body is a war zone full of landmines that will never know love.
My heart is a scar I wear to show the world it no longer has power over me.

I still remember the feeling so hot on my skin as I watched the skin change color and smoke, such a stale smell, burning flesh. In those moments I knew I was alive. Not in some matrix nightmare.

I am sorry Stephan, I could not learn to love. I could not learn to let this heart beat in my chest. It was only blocking blood flow to my brain so I had to cut it out. I failed you. I should have been the one to die. You had so much life ahead of you.

There is still light outside. I am still here. I am still searching for those authentic connects. That oppositional consciousness.

I want oppositional consciousness to hold me, let me cry and weep for the injustice of the world. I want it to hold me as I scream at those who have power and won't let it go. I want it to keep me safe as I wail for those who look down on me; who don't understand; who stigmatize instead of seeing the wonderful person I am.

But this will never be a physical entity. It will be me, always alone. It will only be me rocking myself to sleep in the darkness of my mind. Tonight and forever the monsters will be my cuddle buddies. They will tell me nighttime stories and tuck me. In the morning they will tell me they love me and how luck they are to have me in their life. They will say I made some coffee, come sit with me and tell me about what you are going to do today. They will say, don't go, I love you so I'll eat you right up, i will. And then they do, they eat me. the end.

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