Thursday, September 24, 2009

Things change

Things Change.
Friends come and go.
Sometimes we loose people that we care about because we let them get to close.
Sometimes we loose them because we didn't let them get close enough.

I've changed so much over the years I wonder if I could be friend with all the people that have drifted away in my life.
Would we be better friends, or enemies. Sometimes I run into one of those friends who has drifted so far and maybe they have transitioned. Maybe we look at each other with the love we once shared for each other and the times we had. Maybe the time has created a distance between us that won't be fixed. Maybe it is because I am mostly sober now. I don't party, I don't go to bars, I am not looking for the quickest way to release my soul from the horrors of my past. I have faced my demons and it was me.

Tomorrow is a new day and I take it with open arms. I know I am not perfect and probably never will be. But I know I am trying my best. This means I am impeccable. This means that when someone comes up to me and says I don't like you, you need to change (insert derogatory remark here); I know that they are only angry and hateful at themselves. I know that I like me and that I have worked on liking me for many years. I decided that if I didn't like myself why should anyone else. So I looked at what I didn't like about myself and set about either changing it or accepting it. Now if someone says I don't like you; I can say well that's your opinion because I like me.

One needs to have this sense of self in order to transition. You have to know who you are inside and who you want to be. You have to know inside that whatever steps you take that you need to be able to feel confident about them and know you are doing the right thing because most of them you won't be able to change back very easily. You need to feel confident when people are sneering at you in distaste. When people ridicule your choices and everything about you that doesn't fit inside their ridged sensibilities. 

It is such a scary place to be. And there is no one, NO ONE, else who can stand by your side. Sure you can have allies even partners, friends who have transitioned but it comes down to you and only you that wears your skins and has to live in your mind. The demons in the outside world are nothing compared to the demons inside. So you can call me whatever pronoun you need to even if that means you are calling me it; it doesn't phase me. You can say whatever derogatory remarks you want; they won't pierce my armor. Because I have me. I love me. I am EXACTLY the person I want to be at this moment.

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