Wednesday, December 31, 2008



I haven't updated in a while since things haven't been very much different. Everything is just more. I have more acne. I have more hair, everywhere. My voice is deeper but still cracking. I can't wait to sing karaoke once it stops. Some days it is deep like the voice I hear in my mind. Some days it is not as deep. Some days I don't want to talk because I sound like a teenage boy. I guess I feel like one too. I think the voice is the thing I notice the most. It is one of the clues it was always hardest to hide. Before I could pass as long as I didn't open my mouth. No wonder trans people get erased so easily. Everything about me just seems more like me. My voice, my face, my brain. When I finally got my period in the 7th grade it was a curse to me. i didn't understand it at the time but it was the point when I stopped being me and had to deal with this other person. It was almost like having another person in my head that I didn't understand. It was like being on a boat. Rocking to and fro, feeling more and less normal and all over the place. Not that I have totally gotten off of that boat but I am much more stable on it as it is in calm water now. More interesting is that I find myself considering things that I didn't think I would consider. (Such as top surgery.) And also procrastinating things I thought I would jump on like my name/sex license change. I have seen so many transpeople walk away from everything they knew before the transition and/or leave behind so many friends now I understand why. It is so hard for people to change the way they think of you even if you have always been out to them, people often can't really see you as your correct gender; they can only see you as the gender they have decided you are. I also see why so many transpeople are in the closet; it is hard to confront the reality of our world when people will treat you like your normal just as long as you don't divulge the whole truth.

Of course, I never have been good at taking the easy road so I will continue to live my life as an out transperson however I look with the hope that my... bravery, fearlessness, stupidity... whatever you want to call it; hopefully it will help pave the road for those who are walking the same path as me.

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